sex work

Sexual Energy Exchange; Why I’m a Provider

Over the holidays last year I found myself feeling really weird and grumpy when I went for long periods without playing with anyone. After chatting with Victoria Rage she and I decided that play withdrawal is totally a thing that happens for both of us. I’m thinking that I likely feel bad after going a while without playing (in the hobby and out of it) because it is a source of positive energy for me and it gives me a positive outlet for any negative feelings I might be having. Since discovering this I’ve made a conscious effort to pour any negativity into my play and I’ve noticed that I’ve gotten significantly more happiness out of my play and I’ve felt an increase in my overall well being and ability to connect with people.

Almost without fail, I feel happier and more energized after I play with someone and there is some level of sexual connection. Before I found the hobby, I felt really unstable, prone to depression and honestly really frustrated with myself and others. It felt like I was missing something so I ended up having sex with a bunch of random people, doing porn and engaging in all sorts of self destructive sexually charged behavior that ultimately lead me to exploring the hobby. Initially, I thought of the hobby as something dark, disgusting, shameful and like the bottom of the barrel; Only desperate people with no self respect engage in such activities, right? Well, I was at the bottom of the barrel but to my surprise it ended up being the best thing I could have done for myself.

Being a provider completes me; It gives me an outlet for my frustrated energies and it takes the pressure off of everything else in my life because it’s a HUGE stress relief. I don’t understand it yet but it feels like I need to engage in intimate activities with a variety of people because I feed on that energy. When I was involved with a small number of people, I sucked them dry or I was really pissed off all the time because I wasn’t getting enough energy from them. I guess you could call me a sexual energy vampire.

Being a provider gives me a safe outlet to consume sexual energy (it helps that it’s expected) and to dump negative energy (which is usually all sexual frustration.) I get to set the exchange rate, control the environment, decide the play, set the rules and it provides for me. What could possibly be better?

Why do you hobby/provide?

Dear Hobbyist

Dear Hobbyist,
I’m writing this to you because right now I feel vulnerable in the best way possible; I feel like I’ve shared myself with you unabashedly and without censorship and that is terrifying. Every day I read horrible things about the hobby, providers and hobbyists but none of those experiences seem to line up with mine. Every time I see you, you remind me how much I love my life and how blessed I am to be who I am and where I am in life.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life in such an intimate and substantial way. Thank you for providing me with what I need to survive in this world and thank you for allowing me to be truly myself while I’m with you, it is as freeing for me as it is for you. Thank you for not conforming to the negative image that is so often displayed in our corner of the world. Thank you for always treating me with respect, courtesy, care and consideration.

In exchange for what you do for me, I want to give you a piece of myself while we’re together: I want to express my love for you (not because I have to or because it makes my life easier but because I think the world needs more affection and seeing your eyes light up brightens my day.) I want you to feel appreciated and valued (because by me, you are.) I want to show you how beautiful and magical the world is through my eyes (with the hope that I can help make your life a little bit brighter.) I want to make you feel welcome (like you don’t ever need to leave.) Most of all, I want to show you that there are sincere people in this world. I only hope that you view me as one of them.

Love,
Ruby