I’m pretty spoiled, all things considered; I’ve managed to live my life where basically everything practical is taken care of plus the benefits of having a wide range of friends to lean on when I need it. Right now though, I feel lonely. It feels like I’m falling apart inside and driving myself crazy trying to cover all the cracks and plug all the leaking emotional holes. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) Try as I might, I’m still really raw and it’s because my normal support system is working really hard and that’s great. Growth and progress is really important and I value that but while that helps a little bit, I’m still a fucking mess. It feels like I’m reaching out into the darkness of the rest of the world to try to find a hand to hold on to to pull myself up again. The problem is, I don’t know how to build the connect where holding on to someone is appropriate or healthy for everyone involved. When it happens it seems to happen on accident and when I feel like I “need” it, the situation is just FUBAR.
Don’t get me wrong, normally I’m broken in pretty entertaining and weird ways so it’s not like I’m trying to argue that before the new job I was totally stable and normal- That would be a big fucking lie. Right now though? Right this second? I’m a brooding hurricane of doubt, passion, vulnerability, inspiration, anger, fear and intoxicating glee. Every other second it feels like I’m shifting from negative to positive and that doesn’t feel right to me. I just want to feel normal and balanced for a second so I can clear my head and get some perspective. However, I think that I’ve forgotten how to do that.
I think that probably the best course of action is just take a deep breath, close my eyes and let it all be.
Yeah, that’s what I need to do.