We all tell lies, almost constantly. Mostly white lies “Sure, I would love to hear more about that.” “Honey, you look great in that dress!” but some to further ourselves, this should come as a surprise to no one. After me pointing this out, perhaps you’re wondering- What does Miss Ruby lie about?
I’ve been musing on that often, actually… What do I have to conceal or hide? I can talk readily about my past, my current state, what makes me weak, what troubles me… However, what I seem to have difficulty talking about is the future or what I want.
Talking about what I want means coming to the reality that I want something someone else can’t or won’t give but worse yet it means confronting that I’ve backed myself into a corner by believing that I don’t deserve something or that it doesn’t exist. After all, believing something doesn’t exist is easier than feeling like it has slipped through your fingers or that it’s possible but not with you or not right now. Most of all, it’s an incredibly vulnerable place to be in.
Why am I bringing this up? Well, recently someone asked me what I want and after much avoidance it became apparent to me that not only do I not share what I really want with others but that in many ways I’ve lived my life in a way that caters to the wants and needs of others, hilariously. It seems like the only time I have really done things for me is when I’m alone. I guess I don’t really know how to share my dreams or desires for the future with anyone, never mind actually sharing my future with someone. That’s probably because I have involved myself with people in the past who didn’t want a future with me, so I stopped asking and I stopped sharing.
So there you have it, Miss Ruby is a here and now kind of person because the past hurts and the future is fraught with potential disappointments. Maybe I should get over that.