As I write this, I’m fighting back the tears that have been clawing their way out since last night. Last night I got back from a trip, which always seems to make me depressed, to find my kitty (the only friend I had through some of the hardest times of my life) in a worsened state. I admitted her to an over night emergency clinic today because her seizures won’t stop. They said it’s either a tumor, a stroke or cancer and I can pay 3k for an MRI to find out what it is but there is only so much they can do.
She has been sick for the last two weeks which have been emotional regardless. I’m trying to figure out what I want, my best friend has given me less energy due to a new job, I have new romance in my life which always seems to destroy me, my mom is an emotional mess and her mortality is weighing on my mind and everything with everyone is just either a blur of fun or it’s a painstakingly slow, miserable period of waiting. I’m trying to hold on to the love and life of my loved ones that feels like its just flowing through my fingers like water; I’m slowly losing the two life forms who have been there through everything. All the while dealing with the hardest existential crisis I’ve had in years… It’s been fucking hard, is what I’m trying to say.
Life is hitting me up side the head like a massive fucking rock. Oh my god, everything ends. Death will come for everything and everyone and fucking hell I have no idea which direction I want to go in next. It feels like I’ve got a huge weight of guilt sitting on my chest. Maybe if I had paid closer attention… God damnit, why did I get irritated over that? How could I just let you walk away when you needed me? I’m so sorry for everything… I wish I had been better but I’m a fucking mess. I know all my worries, whatifs and blame games aren’t worth the energy and that they likely wouldn’t have changed anything but I still can’t seem to chase them out of my head.
It seems like there’s always so much going on that I often miss the moment because I’m too worried about what will happen next or what I need to get done. I get obsessed and I miss the moments where connection happens. If nothing else, this is a lesson in slowing down and taking the time to hold my loved ones close and show them that I appreciate them instead of running away and snapping when I get upset. Maybe that’s why I feel so isolated.
Excuse me while I go give someone a hug.