How to Meet a Dominatrix

Top 5 Questions Everyone asks a Dominatrix

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Seattle Dominatrix Ruby Enraylls in her seattle dungeon with a Slave

Have you ever wondered what your Dominatrix’ favorite bdsm activity is? Or how you can be a better a slave? Perhaps the following can point you in the right direction. Below are my 5 most frequently asked questions and my answers. You might find the questions and their answers a bit surprising. Seattle Dominatrix Ruby Enraylls has the answers to your questions and some tips.

What is your favorite thing to do in a session?

It depends on my connection with the person I’m playing with. Having overlapping interests is important. I’m big on bondage, predicaments and power exchange. I really enjoy mind fucks and getting to be creative. I often tend to get really into a theme for a while. A bit ago it was medical then ADBL, chastity roleplay scenarios, prisoner stuff… it’s always something and my specific interests seem to rotate and shift. I enjoy curating an experience for someone.. The more creative the better. I like longer scenes so I can build up ideas and get to know someone, knowing someone over a longer period of time helps with this as well. Nothing can beat intimate knowledge of the inner workings of someone.

What got you into BDSM and the Femdom lifestyle?

Like many of the people I talk to, I have been kinky for as long as I can remember. If you’ve read my about me, I talk about being kinky when I was pretty young, when it was literally just a game. I don’t see anything wrong with that, although many people I’ve spoken to want to find the reason they are into bdsm. This implies to me that it is something to be fixed when I don’t think that’s true. That’s like saying any preference is inherently wrong. It’s my belief that a homogeneous world is pretty dull, among other things.

But I digress. I’ve always had an interest in Bdsm and the very first adult images I found were femdom related. So it seems normal that I would trend that direction, especially considering that I was raised in a female dominant environment.

Are other people into my fetish?

The shortest answer is yes. I’ve played with many, many people and I can tell you with complete confidence that even if someone hasn’t engaged in your particular fetish, there’s definitely an interest. We live in a kinky world. The biggest barrier to entry is unfortunately, shame.

What do you find attractive in a submissive/slave?

The evil variation of this question is “will you go on a date with me” or worse “can I be your live in slave?” Before asking such questions, consider the one posed above and ask yourself “what do I like most about me?” Personally what I like most about my slaves is that they are considerate, kind and respectful. Every person I notice has a willingness to consider the needs and desires of others and makes an effort to do so. It’s often small things that make the biggest impressions.

Seattle Dominatrix Ruby Enraylls is dressed in black latex with her latex slave in her Seattle BDSM Dungeon where she takes requests for Femdom and mistress sessions

What can I do to have the best session with my Domina?

Communicate! Clearly, honestly and respectfully. Sending a long fantasy and play by play isn’t particularly helpful to be completely honest. Writing out a list of yes’s and no’s, hard and soft limits and any specific things you want to try is a great way to start. I prefer to communicate such things at the beginning of the session unless there is something you think I won’t have or something that will need to be prepped for or negotiated. As we get to know each other more, I find that sometimes planning gets a bit more elaborate and more communication before we meet up is necessary or desired.

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10 Essential BDSM Toys for Beginners

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Everyone has to start somewhere, this is a BDSM toy guide for anyone starting a collection. I wanted to share my favorite BDSM toys and gear I think is essential for any kit in an easy format. Whether you are a domestic dominatrix in training, a couple looking to spice things up or a loyal sub with dreams of having the perfect toy kit, this list is for you.

  1. Strap on harness

Every dominatrix needs a good harness that fits well, is comfortable and gets the job done right. For the beginning dominatrix you might think “I will get a kit” but that is a mistake. Strap on kits usually come with a nylon strap harness and dildos that are so-so (usually too big or too small.) It may take a while to figure out what you like best but my favorite is The Jag by Aslan Leathers I like thong harnesses that can be converted and the leather is treated so it’s easy to clean and doesn’t break down over time.

  1. Dildos

It will take a while for anyone who is a beginner dominatrix to figure out what kind of dildos they like but I recommend materials that are body safe over jelly toys or PVC. I think it’s important to make sure it’s easy to clean/cover as well. Tantus has a great selection of toys to choose from that come in a variety of colors and sizes.

  1. Restraints

 Restraints are very personal in their appeal. Maybe you’re a leather fan, or perhaps you enjoy the art of rope bondage. For those who are first exploring bondage, I have enjoyed Hemp Rope by Twisted Monk. It’s more expensive than what you will find at a hardware store but also more versatile. For example, you can use rope to tie a set of handcuffs or a create a cuff that you can attach anywhere. I began with rope and still find its meditative process to be grounding and a great way of building energy and anticipation within the scene.

  1. Impact Toys

Everyone loves the mental image of the dominatrix with the whip, right? It’s classic and unforgettable. However, learning to use a whip takes a lot of practice. I suggest starting with something like a riding crop, paddle or flogger first. I love Cane-iac for their creativity with unusual materials and their superb execution of the classics (like a cane, for example.)

  1. Sensory play Toys

Oooh, sensory play. There are so many different ways you can take this- Pokey toys, soft floggers, electro play… It all depends on the vibe of the scene. Sensory play increases suspense when you use it to build a scene or it can push the experience over the top. You can’t go wrong with a wartenberg wheel, honestly. I like playing the game of keeping myself to oe random toy and seeing how much I can do with it.

  1. Hoods/Blindfolds

Hoods and such aren’t for everyone, some people feel very claustrophobic in them but I think they are a great tool to have in your tool kit. You can surprise someone with sensations or take complete control of them. Personally, I like hoods with the mouth exposed like the Cocksucker Hood by Mr S but in a pinch an eye mask for sleeping is great.

  1. Nipple play 

Surprisingly, many don’t know about the benefits of exploring nipple play- They are an unfortunately overlooked erogenous zone. I like to warm up with plastic clothes pins which are easily cleanable. If you want to leave the realm of sensory exploration, you can make them squirm with a strong set of clover clamps.

  1. Gags  

Are they too noisy? Plug their mouth with a gag to really make them feel helpless! I like ball gags personally but a good dental gag or even a ring gag has a place in my dungeon. I love versatility in all my toys so I find that the options provided by Bondage Webbing to be a perfect fit.

  1. Paddles

How will they know that you mean business unless you can really give them a good, hard spanking? I prefer paddles from Cane-iac. They have a variety of paddles in many different kinds of wood (yes that makes a difference. Let’s say it “hits different.”) More importantly, I’m yet to break one of their products. Save for canes, of course.

  1. A collar 

Lead them around and help them find sub space by locking a collar on. Many subs have told me how a collar has a been emotional impact on them, why not use that power to control them and pull them exactly into the headspace that you want? A formal leather slave collar is wonderful but so is a dog collar. What is your preference? I think quality is very important, so one of my favorite stores is Leather By Danny. You may recognize many of the designs there, now you have found the original source of the creativity.

Image by Tantus

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4 Problems Submissives Face and How to Cope

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train your husband to be your bdsm slave

I’m Afraid of Rejection

Everyone has been afraid of rejection at one point or another, it can feel even worse when you are looking for a kinky partner. You might feel weird or abnormal but you aren’t. Pre 50 Shades of Grey, 36% of Americans were into some form of BDSM. Considering the huge jump of inquiries I have gotten after the release of every 50 Shades movie and how many people use it as short hand, I imagine that number is higher now. For scope, ever so slightly more than 1 in every 3 people were kinky in 2005. Worldwide it was 1 in 5.

So if you’re weird, so is a large portion of the population. We just aren’t talking about it.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/americans-are-more-bdsm-rest-world-180949703/

My Partner Isn’t Interested

The most difficult thing I personally think is finding someone whose interests match yours. This has nothing to do with anything being wrong with you or your partner, it just means you like different things. The real issue is that many people find it so difficult to talk about that it stews. You wouldn’t have a major issue over your partner not liking the same food or movies as you though, you would find a compromise. For some this means exploring together and service play (service topping) and for others it can mean opening up relationships. In both cases, it’s important to have clear negotiation and an open dialogue throughout.

I Can’t Say What I Want

Communication in all contexts is critical. Especially when it comes to play. At a certain point, you just have to bite the bullet and try to have a discussion Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Playing Went Wrong

I’m Afraid of Rejection

Everyone has been afraid of rejection at one point or another, it can feel even worse when you are looking for a kinky partner. You might feel weird or abnormal but you aren’t. Pre 50 Shades of Grey, 36% of Americans were into some form of BDSM. Considering the huge jump of inquiries I have gotten after the release of every 50 Shades movie and how many people use it as short hand, I imagine that number is higher now. For scope, ever so slightly more than 1 in every 3 people were kinky in 2005. Worldwide it was 1 in 5.

So if you’re weird, so is a large portion of the population. We just aren’t talking about it.

Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/americans-are-more-bdsm-rest-world-180949703/

My Partner Isn’t Interested

The most difficult thing I personally think is finding someone whose interests match yours. This has nothing to do with anything being wrong with you or your partner, it just means you like different things. The real issue is that many people find it so difficult to talk about that it stews. You wouldn’t have a major issue over your partner not liking the same food or movies as you though, you would find a compromise. For some this means exploring together and service play (service topping) and for others it can mean opening up relationships. In both cases, it’s important to have clear negotiation and an open dialogue throughout.

I Can’t Say What I Want

Communication in all contexts is critical. Especially when it comes to play. At a certain point, you just have to bite the bullet and try to have a discussion Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Playing Went Wrong

Preach to the choir, we have all had something go wrong at some point. That is how you learn and the beauty of doing it with someone who is compassionate s that you ideally should be able to learn together. At least, that has largely been my experience. Sometimes it takes some time to find the right way to phrase things, communicate your needs or even find the right people but if you’re patient and diligent, you will find what you’re looking for.

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