How to Achieve Happiness with Your Vanilla Partner as a Submissive

Cross posted from

How to Achieve Happiness with Your Vanilla Partner as a Submissive

By Dominatrix Ruby Enraylls –

As a professional dominatrix, I speak with many men who have the desire to be controlled by a powerful (and often manipulating) woman. Unfortunately for these men, general society dictates that women should be subservient, docile, and obedient towards their male counterparts. As a result, submissive men often find themselves frustrated in marriages with women who, for all their wonderful qualities, aren’t taking control. These relationships don’t have to fail, and can end up being quite successful, and I’m going to provide a guide for you to get there in four possibly not-so-easy steps!

Step One: Determine What You Want

So, you want to give up control. What does that mean? I define control as the ability to affect, influence, or impact a situation, person, or thing directly and with intent. So, the desire to give up control is a desire for your partner to intentionally influence you. This means you’re asking them to lead you, dictate changes, make decisions and initiate interactions- At least, this is what control means to me.

It goes without saying that what control means to me and what control means to anyone else is probably different so before considering how to alter your relationship, you should make two lists: One list will have 5-10 actions, feelings or situations that make you feel submissive and the other will describe the inverse. These lists should help you figure out what control means to you and how you want to be submissive.

Although people don’t tend to neatly fit into categories, I’ve found that generally there are themes when it comes to the activities that someone enjoys; Often someone who likes doing service for their partner will also enjoy sexually pleasing their partner. Just as someone who enjoys having someone spit in their face will also usually enjoy being told how dirty and nasty they are. The main categories that submissive behavior and preferences tend to fall into seem to be fetish, service, masochism, sexuality, humiliation, degradation, behavior modification and power.

Fetish; An activity or preferred object or body part that is very much focused on such as a woman’s foot or smelling dirty panties. Service; Enjoying or wanting to do things for other people that make their lives better or easier, classically house work and menial labor such as data entry or organizing paper work. Masochism; Enjoying a painful, unpleasant or uncomfortable activity such as spanking or rope suspension. Humiliation; Seeking out situations or activities that produce feelings of inadequacy, shame, embarrassment. Degradation; Enjoying activities that make you feel dirty, bad, wrong, shameful, evil, slutty, disgusting or less than other people. Behavior Modification; Wanting to have someone control what you do, how you think, what you feel and what you want. Power; Wanting to feel powerless compared to someone else, to feel controlled or overwhelmed by them.

Obviously, each category is not mutually exclusive and often most people enjoy some activities that fit into multiple categories in different degrees of intensity. In my experience, the intensity experienced by someone submissive tends to range from enjoying a lifestyle 24/7 dynamic where the submissive is always submissive to experiencing a casual fantasy where they only want to be told to do something that they already wish to do. With all of that said, each submissive varies widely in their tastes, preferences and dislikes so even those that are categorically the same can be extremely different.

For example, I currently have two submissives who both enjoy service and providing me with care but both of them have different approaches to service: One of them likes to help me around the house by cooking, cleaning and doing other chores and feels at peace while he is taking care of physical tasks for me. The other however, doesn’t really enjoy doing physical tasks (especially cleaning.) She enjoys engaging in psychologically taxing tasks that contribute to me having more energy to better accomplish everything else I have to do.

Step Two: Determine What She Wants

Everyone falls somewhere on the D/s scale, whether they’re aware of it or not. Sometimes those inclinations are very fluid, other times they’re less so – it’s very similar to sexual orientation in that regard. It’s possible that your wife is just as submissive as you are (or more!), and just doesn’t want to be dominant, for the same types of reasons you don’t.

Does your wife like making decisions? Does she know what kink is? How does she feel about it? Is she open-minded? Being dominant over you will require your wife to make many choices for themselves and for you. If she hates decisions, it’s going to be very difficult to find a way where she’s happy controlling you. Similarly, if she hates the idea of kink and you try to manipulate her into dominating you, she’s probably going to be extremely upset if she finds out.

On the other hand, it’s very common for women to feel heard, considered, and empowered by their husbands. Being dominant does take some effort, but if it means an increased ability to get what she wants, it may be worth it for her. When I’ve instructed submissive men to offer control to their wives in the past, it has been met with joy. This is probably related to how they went about it and what control they relinquished, but more about that in step four.

Step Three: Decide On a Course of Action

At this point, you have most of the information you need to make a decision. Do you want to express your submission with your wife, or with a professional?

When making this decision, you first need to realize that your wife will never be the perfect dominatrix for you. A professional is there to provide you with a relatively uncomplicated fantasy interaction, within her own limitations. Because you have set an exchange rate with her, she’s more willing to conform to your desires. Because you’ve discussed limits and mutual interests, you’ll likely get a closer approximation of what you want. So (unless someone is lying), there’s virtually no chance of either person getting shortchanged in the arrangement. On the other hand, your wife is likely to have her own agenda (which is probably not “fulfill your fantasy so she can pay her bills”). She’ll have her own desires, her own needs, and her own wants. Those probably won’t align perfectly with yours, and that’s okay. Use the information you gathered in steps one and two to figure out how close you can get to what you want with your wife, and then make a decision about whether that’s close enough for you.

Even if your wife is submissively inclined, it may be possible for you to fulfill one another’s needs. You’ll both have to work for it, but if you’re willing to be creative and compromise it can work. Perhaps it means that you won’t get all of your fantasies met. Perhaps it means supplementing the D/s between the two of you with a professional. Perhaps it means exploring new ways to interact together. If she’s open to it, though, and you believe that getting your needs fulfilled within your existing relationship is the route you’d like to choose, step four has suggestions on how to make the transition into more control easier for her, and helping her see that domination isn’t scary, impossible, masculine, or gross.

Step Four: Offer Her Control (if appropriate)

The guiding principle here is that you want to create situations where you’re allowing your wife to direct and influence you. You want to set up an environment where it’s easy for her to lead you, initiate changes, and make decisions.

When initially giving control to a partner with whom you’ve previously been equals, it’s tempting to either simply say “I want you to control me.” or to give them explicit instructions for how they should control you. The former is overwhelming and intimidating for most vanilla women, and the second is counterproductive. It defeats the point of giving up control, and it’s likely to be rejected by a woman who will actually take control or accepted disdainfully as a command by a woman who doesn’t want to be in charge. Neither of those options are what you want, so don’t tell your wife to tell you to do something.

What do you do, then? The specifics will be different for everyone, but some good starting questions are “How can I make your life easier?” “What can I do to help you around the house?” and “What do you hate doing?” In addition to these questions, it would be a good idea to pay attention when you make decisions together or when you make decisions for the two of you. Common decisions that you may be taking for granted are what you are eating, what you are wearing, how something is done around the house, and who does what chores. When you notice yourself making such decisions, consider asking for her opinion. Eventually, she will become more accustomed to making decisions on your behalf and having that control over you will feel natural to her.

Although most highly visible models for how D/s relationships start involve the dominant asking for (or taking) control over the submissive, the inverse also happens. In fact, my experience has shown that relationships tend to be far healthier when the submissive gives control than when the dominant takes it. Anything taken by force walks the line of abuse, and by offering control before she asks for it, you’re mitigating one potential concern. Be aware, however, that she may not want the control you’re offering, and it also causes issues to force control onto someone who doesn’t want it. Ideally, you want to give your wife as much control as she wants to have and as much as you want to give. Keep in mind that those two values may not match up exactly, and that they will both be constantly shifting and changing. While that may sound undesirable, it allows you to learn and grow together. If something is constantly changing, it’s (hopefully!) becoming better and closer to the ideal for both parties.

But What About BDSM?

I understand that allowing your wife to make all the decisions isn’t exactly fetish-oriented. At the end of the day, you’re still doing service for a wonderful woman, and perhaps that’s enough. Introducing BDSM activities isn’t off the table, but you don’t want to force anything upon her. If she’s not open minded, if she’s uncomfortable with kink, or if she’s not comfortable taking the lead, you should probably leave BDSM and kink out of your relationship.

If you choose to introduce BDSM, I suggest mentioning something innocent very casually. Perhaps say something like “Have you ever used handcuffs on someone? I overhead someone at work talking about an exploit of his where he used handcuffs…” Alternately, if your acting abilities are such that you can seem surprised by it, you can “stumble across” some BDSM or fetish picture in a relatively innocent place (think Wikipedia) and ask what your partner thinks.

You want to seem curious or surprised when you bring it up, but you want to leave a believable out if your partner is disgusted. If she reacts strongly negatively, you want to be left in a situation where you can respond with “Yeah, the handcuff thing seemed weird to me, too. Why would he have done that?” or agree with her disgusted shock that Wikipedia had such perverse content. You don’t want to end up in a situation where your wife has to choose between obviously insulting your fantasies and expressing her true opinions.

In the event that your partner is interested in BDSM too, I suggest starting off very innocently; Crops, blindfolds, hand cuffs and the like. Introduce things slowly and really make her a part of your exploration by reading things together, watching videos together, shopping together, ect. Even if she isn’t initially interested in something, it’s likely that if you are and she’s open minded she’ll try it and like it or try it because you like it. The most important thing to remember is to have fun and make it into a bonding experience, if you do that it will have a positive outcome.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to forward them to me at