Advice, Thoughts & General Opinions

My name is Ruby Enraylls and I am a Seattle dominatrix. I used to write frequently but occasionally fall out of practice. This is my sounding board to the world, I would love it if you took a brief listen.
Some topics I like to discuss are:
The BDSM scene in Seattle
The Sex worker scene in Seattle
Human rights
Hacking, Infosec and geekery
Beauty products
Relationships and polyamory
Philosophical reasoning for human behavior
Mental, emotional and behavioral mapping of people
Things that bother me
Things I like
And much more!

Guide to Urethral Sounding

Seatlte Dominatrix Ruby Enraylls Latex Medical Fetish Mistress, Expert on Urethral Sounding

Urethral Sounding is a very popular medfet activity and due to its popularity in videos, its something that many people are curious about. The first question I am always asked is “does it hurt?” The answer should be “no!” As long as you use the appropriate lube, correct angle, adequate technique, good instruments and everything is sanitary- Sounding should NOT be painful. For that matter, catheterization really shouldn’t be either but plastic is harder to work with than metal but I digress. That’s why I threw away all of my silicone sounds.

In my opinion, soft skills like power exchange and humiliation play are much harder to master than hard skills like urethra sounding. This is because there is a simple set of rules and guidelines you can follow to achieve your goal. With soft skills, it gets a bit trickier. Let’s start with what you absolutely need to have in order to actually do urethral sounding- The gear.

The Gear for Urethral Sounding

What Urethral Sounds Should I Buy?

There are many models of sounds. For beginners, I recommend Double Ended Pratt urethra Sounds or Double Ended Hegar urethra sounds.  Rolled steel sounds are best, they are more expensive but they will last longer and you can run them through an autoclave or boil them. Sounds come either millimeters or french for sizing purposes. 1 mm is 3 fr. So a 6mm sound is also an 18fr. Typically sounds come in kits unless you are buying an unusual style but I wouldn’t recommend starting with that.

Individually Packaged Sterile Lube

Why individually packaged surgical lube? Simple. Once you open it, it is no longer sterile. That’s fine for other play but with sounding. You want to maintain as clean of a field as possible. Pretend that you are playing surgeon. When I am doing a sounding scene, I pay attention to order of operations- If there is any butt stuff, that comes last.

Cleaning Your urethral Sounds

The traditional way is boiling them or running them through an autoclave if you have it.
You want to have medical grade sealing sterilization pouches that fit your sounds, pop them in and boil them for at least 20 minutes.
Once they are done cooking, do not remove them from the package until you are ready to use them because you will break the sterile field.
However, many sounds are only coated and not solid pure steel and boiling breaks down the coating. If you aren’t sure of the quality of your sounds or you don’t have sealed medical packets to sterilize your sounds in, wipe them down with a medical grade cleaner like cavicide. However, you need to make absolutely sure to completely remove and clean the disinfectant off before use as it is harmful to humans and even melts plastics! 

Prepping for Urethral Sounding

Always inspect your sounds for any rust, degradation, cracks or rough spots before use. These cosmetic issues can be a home for bacteria or worse, cut your partner’s intimate parts during play. You definitely don’t want that! Before using my sounds,  I make sure that I have grabbed my lube packets, BZK or alcohol wipes and have wiped down a surface to hold all my things. (Medical trays or tables work well.)
If I haven’t used the boiling method, I will wipe my sounds down with alcohol or BZK if they have not been boiled and I repeat the process with my gloves and the urethra. (Pro tip: BZK doesn’t sting. But make sure to check the expiration date on anything you use, including lube.) Allow time for the solution to dry, this is how most sanitizers kill bacteria and viruses.

Beginning with Urethral Sounding

Urethral sounding is pretty straightforward. You want to match the size of the rod to the hole of the urethra, going larger means it won’t fit and too small runs the risk of scratching or puncturing the wall so it has to be just right. You are better going too large than too small though. By holding the tip of a sound near the opening to the urethra, you can guess the size.
In order to sound someone, you want to lubricate the sound, being careful to not allow the open part of the lube packet or the sound to touch other surfaces and once your sound is out of the sterile packet, you cannot set it down or touch past the handle or outside the center (depending on the type.) Don’t worry, this is the most difficult part.

Allow the Weight of the Urethral Sound to Carry it

Once your sound is lubricated, align it with the urethra and allow the weight of the sound to slowly pull it in while you gently hold the base of the penis to prevent bending (if your partner has one.) Be careful to not lose your grip or let go, as you may end up with the sound completely lost (it is retrievable but you want to avoid this.) Ask if there is ANY discomfort, burning, stretching, poking, if it hurts or feels wrong. Also look for any redness, signs of inflammation (redness or swelling,) and of course, bleeding. If all is good, then you’re good to go. Sometimes folks can have a reaction to the lube so it’s good to have a couple brand choices and/or different batch on hand. Or it may just be too inflammatory for someone that day or entirely. Everyone’s body is different and the worst thing you can do with something delicate is force it to happen. Same with fisting.

Now that your sound is comfortably inside, you can glide it in and out! Feel free to experiment with different shapes and types of sounds. One of my favorite shops is The Chain Gang. They have some great guides and typically offer much higher quality toys than you’ll run into on Amazon or your average BDSM shop as they are a specialty store.
Good luck and have fun!

Still curious? Feel free to contact me!

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How Do I find a Dominatrix near me?

Seattle Dominatrix Ruby Enraylls wears galaxy print latex dress and fetish boots, meet a dominatrix near you

How do I find a dominatrix?

I am often asked the question “how do I meet a dominatrix?” or “how do I find a dominatrix near me?” Having my location obviously posted, I find these questions a little confusing. Why would someone ask me of all people to help find a Dominatrix near them? I’ve done several YouTube videos, one of which has over 5 million views, so it makes sense to ask me even if I’m just a Seattle Dominatrix.

Why meet a professional Dominatrix anyway?

There are many reasons why you should meet a professional Dominatrix over someone who is purely lifestyle, the number one reason being that we are professionals. Being professional means that:

  • We are highly skilled in the art of BDSM, very accepting and have a lot of experience. As such you are less likely to get hurt and more likely to have a great time.
  • We have awesome dungeons because we’re more invested and our toy collections are very impressive. Why wouldn’t we be the ideal BDSM date?
  • Most importantly.. We are No drama. When the scene ends, we aren’t going to pull a Fatal Attraction on you. We want to keep this arrangement as relaxed and carefree as you do. 

How do I find a dominatrix near me?

Well, that’s why you’re here isn’t it? You have probably taken some missteps along the way, maybe you’ve fallen for a scam. Here is my order of preference to help you meet a dominatrix near you.

  • Use google. Terms like “dominatrix in Seattle”, “local Dominatrix”, “Seattle mistress”, “dominatrix near me” or “seattle dominatrix”. But replace Seattle with your city or state. You will find at least one website.
  • Browse Adult Ads. Sites like Eros or Tryst are great are pretty reputable.
  • Social media alone is Dodgy. Use social media to verify an ad or a website is real. If someone contacts you via social media, they are fake.
  • Do your own research. Research should mean connecting information you find. Make sure an Instagram profile is linked on a website. Check the age of that website on wayback machine to make sure it isn’t a fake of another website. Reverse image search images.
  • Here are some tips. Google the name, number and email you find. What does it pull up? Does it match other information? Is it blank? If it all matches other information, she’s probably legit.

Where do I not find a local Dominatrix?

Catfish love to pretend to be professional mistresses, they frequent the following and will approach you first. Remember, if it seems to go to be true, it probably is.

  • Fetish Dating Sites
  • Social Media (Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Reddit)
  • Dominatrix Dating Sites
  • Messenger Apps (Snapchat, WhatsApp, Discord, Signal, Telegram)
  • Any Dating Site
  • Kink Specific Apps

A scammer will contact you first from these methods. They will message you a lot and it will seem ideal but there will be some red flags like they will have a payment method that goes to a man or will only take BTC. Use reverse Google image search on the photos they send. Always.
Now that we’ve gotten all of that out of the way..

How do I book a BDSM session with a Dominatrix?

Most Dominatrixes have websites. READ THEM. We have specific contact instructions and screening. Follow our rules and you will be rewarded. Typically we will ask you to contact us via our contact forms or email. Text is for those who know us and have established relationships or for last minute instructions. Calling without being given permission or instruction to do so will annoy us. Doing anything outside of our instructions that is more convenient for you than it is for us will annoy us. Think about how you would make a good impression for a first time job interview, you would not expect the other person to jump through hoops for you. Do not expect a Dominatrix to jump through hoops for you either. Approach with respect and be courteous. You do not have to go overboard but simple things like reading do’s and don’t beforehand can go a long way.

How do I make a good impression?

  • follow all her rules
  • Don’t ask too many questions, particularly if they are already answered on her website.
  • Ask questions that are relevant and present yourself honestly.
  • Understand that time is money for everyone. Approaching a Mistress is all about respect. If your initial approach involves many asks, compensating for that shows that you are going the extra mile to be respectful.
  • Use the right method to contact her. Be it a booking form, professional email or otherwise.

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Gear Update: Erostek ET312B and Estim 2b

At long last, another gear update! This time… A shocking one. (So punny..) But seriously, I have added the now discontinued Erostek ET312B and the Estim 2B plus a large collection of addons. Everything from CBT, wartenberg wheels, sounds, probes, butt plugs, clips and more! Are you excited yet?

About the ET312B

Erostek is the king of Estim. Their ET312B has been produced since 1999 and has been beloved by kinksters, reproduced, tinkered with and it is a loss that they are no longer in production. If you have the opportunity to get your hands on one like I did, jump on it. With a little luck they may come back into production in some form but if you’ve wanted one, don’t miss your chance. Erostek offers information and parts for current owners. So they are repairable and reliable.

About the 2B Power Pack

The 2B is the only power unit I have used that compares favorably to the venerable ET312B. The 2B’s smaller form factor makes it a great portable that literally jumps to life when powered by the included AC adapter. 

highly recommend this power unit. Those of you who have been following us know this is the first power unit we’ve ever offered by another manufacturer. The 2B caught me by surprise – in a good way. 


Does this mean the 2B is the new king on the electro scene? You’ll have to be the judge.

Comment and tell me what your favorite estim power box and/or attachments are!

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Cut Lineup | A Dominatrix Guesses Who’s a Virgin

Cut Lineup | Dominatrix Guesses Who's a Virgin

It’s been a while since I did a Cut video! They were nice enough to invite me back to guess who is a virgin. I wanted to make a point of guessing who I thought was going to be the “obvious” choice with the intent of highlighting how cultural biases are often incorrect. I hope you enjoy the video as much as I did when filming it!

Watch the video here!

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10 Essential BDSM Toys for Beginners


Everyone has to start somewhere, this is a BDSM toy guide for anyone starting a collection. I wanted to share my favorite BDSM toys and gear I think is essential for any kit in an easy format. Whether you are a domestic dominatrix in training, a couple looking to spice things up or a loyal sub with dreams of having the perfect toy kit, this list is for you.

  1. Strap on harness

Every dominatrix needs a good harness that fits well, is comfortable and gets the job done right. For the beginning dominatrix you might think “I will get a kit” but that is a mistake. Strap on kits usually come with a nylon strap harness and dildos that are so-so (usually too big or too small.) It may take a while to figure out what you like best but my favorite is The Jag by Aslan Leathers I like thong harnesses that can be converted and the leather is treated so it’s easy to clean and doesn’t break down over time.

  1. Dildos

It will take a while for anyone who is a beginner dominatrix to figure out what kind of dildos they like but I recommend materials that are body safe over jelly toys or PVC. I think it’s important to make sure it’s easy to clean/cover as well. Tantus has a great selection of toys to choose from that come in a variety of colors and sizes.

  1. Restraints

 Restraints are very personal in their appeal. Maybe you’re a leather fan, or perhaps you enjoy the art of rope bondage. For those who are first exploring bondage, I have enjoyed Hemp Rope by Twisted Monk. It’s more expensive than what you will find at a hardware store but also more versatile. For example, you can use rope to tie a set of handcuffs or a create a cuff that you can attach anywhere. I began with rope and still find its meditative process to be grounding and a great way of building energy and anticipation within the scene.

  1. Impact Toys

Everyone loves the mental image of the dominatrix with the whip, right? It’s classic and unforgettable. However, learning to use a whip takes a lot of practice. I suggest starting with something like a riding crop, paddle or flogger first. I love Cane-iac for their creativity with unusual materials and their superb execution of the classics (like a cane, for example.)

  1. Sensory play Toys

Oooh, sensory play. There are so many different ways you can take this- Pokey toys, soft floggers, electro play… It all depends on the vibe of the scene. Sensory play increases suspense when you use it to build a scene or it can push the experience over the top. You can’t go wrong with a wartenberg wheel, honestly. I like playing the game of keeping myself to oe random toy and seeing how much I can do with it.

  1. Hoods/Blindfolds

Hoods and such aren’t for everyone, some people feel very claustrophobic in them but I think they are a great tool to have in your tool kit. You can surprise someone with sensations or take complete control of them. Personally, I like hoods with the mouth exposed like the Cocksucker Hood by Mr S but in a pinch an eye mask for sleeping is great.

  1. Nipple play 

Surprisingly, many don’t know about the benefits of exploring nipple play- They are an unfortunately overlooked erogenous zone. I like to warm up with plastic clothes pins which are easily cleanable. If you want to leave the realm of sensory exploration, you can make them squirm with a strong set of clover clamps.

  1. Gags  

Are they too noisy? Plug their mouth with a gag to really make them feel helpless! I like ball gags personally but a good dental gag or even a ring gag has a place in my dungeon. I love versatility in all my toys so I find that the options provided by Bondage Webbing to be a perfect fit.

  1. Paddles

How will they know that you mean business unless you can really give them a good, hard spanking? I prefer paddles from Cane-iac. They have a variety of paddles in many different kinds of wood (yes that makes a difference. Let’s say it “hits different.”) More importantly, I’m yet to break one of their products. Save for canes, of course.

  1. A collar 

Lead them around and help them find sub space by locking a collar on. Many subs have told me how a collar has a been emotional impact on them, why not use that power to control them and pull them exactly into the headspace that you want? A formal leather slave collar is wonderful but so is a dog collar. What is your preference? I think quality is very important, so one of my favorite stores is Leather By Danny. You may recognize many of the designs there, now you have found the original source of the creativity.

Image by Tantus

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The Ultimate Femdom Gift Giving Guide


What is the ultimate slave task? Understanding your Mistress. Think of your research into her/their preferences as slave training. Are you trying to impress your Mistress? Make her happy? GOOD. That is exactly what you should be doing as her loyal servant. A birthday shouldn’t pass without you celebrating with your Mistress. 

I’m turning 30 in the middle of April so I decided to create an easy guide for my loyal subs to find me a gift that we both will enjoy.

As with all gift giving, you should ask yourself “is this for them or is it for me?” The latter is fine but you should acknowledge that you are giving them a gift for you rather than investigating what they might want. If you want to knock it out of the ballpark, your best methods for success are research and paying attention. I think that successful gifting is based on how well you know someone’s love language which relates to their gift preferences.

  1. Service

Does your dominant talk about wanting to be able to do something or have something done but they don’t have the bandwidth, time or energy to do it themselves? Easy. If you can make it happen for them, do so. Ask questions if you aren’t sure of something. A great example of this is The Garden Path that one of my subs commissioned for me on my birthday a few years ago. I enjoy it immensely and it was one of the best gifts I’ve gotten.

  1. Something Useful

Everyone loves having that magic thing that fills a hole in their life or solves a problem, maybe one they didn’t know they had. In order to achieve this, you must know them well. A great example from my life is receiving a very nice set of knives when I started cooking. I didn’t know how amazing good knives are compared to the crappy ones I was using.

  1. Something Practical

Finding something practical that someone needs or wants is a pretty easy gifting opportunity and they will think of you whenever they use it. I have gotten tennis shoes, a sofa, clothes, kitchen items, things for my cats, gift cards that enabled me to complete a project or simply enjoy something. 

  1. Luxury Items

I feel that anything outside of the realm of what someone will normally spend on themselves is a luxury gift.Or an upgrade to something they already have. You usually have to ask or do research but it can be immensely exciting to get a gift that you wouldn’t buy for yourself. I’ve received jewelry, shoes, lingerie, dungeon furniture and a NAS set up to backup all my media.

  1. An Experience 

Do they talk about wanting to go somewhere or do something? Perfect! Whether it’s a trip to the spa or a trip to the beach, experiences are precious and the memory doesn’t fade. I’ve been taken on trips, taken to events, done crazy things and had my spa trips paid for. Big or small, I’ve loved every experience.

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A Dominatrix Guesses Strangers Kinks (Ruby)

A Dominatrix Guesses Strangers Kinks

Something like six months ago I was in a series couple of videos titled A Dominatrix Guesses Strangers Kinks and Guess My Kink Lineup by Cut. They were created by a Youtube studio called Cut that creates content that creates funny, entertaining, prankish and oddly bias challenging videos. When one of the reps contacted me to do the video, I felt comfortable working with them having had done a couple videos before but I had no idea what to expect this time around nor did I have any idea what would happen as a result of the videos being published.

“Guess My Kink” sounded like a game that I could win, so I was game. What I wasn’t prepared for was the emotional impact it would have on me.

During the filming, we had time to connect with each other but the initial camera time I was very off kilter- I was in a room by myself and had no opportunity to connect with anyone. (Although I did make friends with several people after the fact.) It was unlike any time I had been on set because I had been completely alone prior and didn’t know anyone. I know that was part of the point but it was quite unnerving. Once I stepped on to the set, I had to instantly turn on into my normal mode but it wasn’t quite right.

I often play a game of a dominatrix guesses strangers kinks as a party trick or just as an every day part of my life but when you’re dealing with absolute strangers, under video lighting with cameras rolling it becomes a different game. What if I say something humiliating? What if I reveal too much about other people? What if I sound biased or rude? I became very self conscious and suddenly had no idea where I was standing with regard to other people. Then it hit me, this was the whole point of the creation of the video. Other than myself, everyone just looked like people you might find on the street and on any other given day so do I. People in the BDSM community are just like everyone else and unless you know someone pretty intimately their kinks might surprise you. I knew from watching other Cut videos that creating videos was designed to challenge the viewers but I didn’t realize that I was part of that venture. I consider myself fairly open minded but I suppose you can always be more open minded and considerate of others.

Anyway, I believe that our beliefs (both positive and negative) should be challenged. I hope that you too are given wonderful opportunities to open your mind and explore your biases and thoughts.

Watch the video here!

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Blog: You’re Not Alone


The holidays impact everyone differently: Some people go into a manic holiday cheer, others wander aimlessly through the swathes of people contemplating their own demise through pounds of festive treats and spiced booze. Personally, I vacillate but I see it all in my friends and my play partners and people tend to be very forthcoming with their feelings during the holidays. It’s interesting what people will tell you and how that makes you think about yourself.

Recently someone was talking to me about the shame involved in their own kink and it made me think about how ashamed and alone I felt when I was first officially starting out in kink- No one in my friends circle understood me and I ended up being an outcast because I was kinky. There are a lot of complicated things that led up to that being factually true but let’s just say that and leave it at that.

I had never felt like an outcast or a reject before but I did then and some part of me still does, it’s hard to shake. It impacts you pretty deeply when people reject or abandon you for some reason and when it’s because you’re different, it stings. Because of this, whenever someone tells me they fear being rejected I want to tell them they won’t be by me, that they aren’t alone. If someone does reject them it’s not about them but the hang ups of whoever is rejecting them and that it doesn’t matter. Ultimately it doesn’t, really. If I hadn’t been rejected I may not have had the courage to follow my dreams from where I was, I needed to get out of there and being rejected was the only way I was going to leave.

Consider this my version of “It gets better.” (It really does get better.) If you feel alone, reach out. If you don’t know how to deal with your kink or how to talk to your partner/family about it and you’re scared of how they’ll react, send me an email. There’s no point in going through something alone.

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The Ultimate Guide to Drinking Urine

watersports human toilet

The Ultimate Guide to Drinking Urine

Welcome to the Ultimate Guide for Drinking Urine! Clearly I have piqued your curiosity, so here I am going to outline the risks associated with drinking urine and how to avoid them with an eye towards safely receiving your mistress’ gifts. It is very safe to drink your own urine but there are some minor safety concerns involved in drinking another person’s urine. In most healthy people urine is sterile and free of harmful bacteria, viruses, or other substances. Let’s dive in and talk about the details.

Why do people want to drink urine?

Drinking urine is a very primal thing. Often times it is tied to desires of being a human toilet. Assuming something that has passed through someone else’s body and been prepared especially for you makes you feel closer to them. Water is a substance that is central to life and you are getting it from your partner. At the same time it carries overtones of dominance, submission, and ownership. Urine is used to mark things as property. While we are not wild animals it is hard to escape the idea that something we have urinated on or in belongs to us. It is something very primal and deeply encoded. It also carries a mark of humiliation in that you are being treated as property. You become a toilet. It is a complex interplay of feelings and associations that can be quite strong.

Is it safe?

For the most part yes. In most normal healthy people urine is sterile and free of bacteria and viruses. While there may be some risk of STI transmission with direct genital contact, that is no different than any other consensual activity and appropriate precautions should be taken.

So if urine is mostly safe, what shouldn’t you do with it?

Don’t drink urine that has been sitting out (for any period of time longer than maybe an hour.) As I’ve mentioned, urine has bacteria and it will grow outside the body, the bacteria is how you get a UTI. It’s better fresh anyways.

Don’t drink urine that has been refrigerated for several days. Again, bacteria growth is an issue.

Take caution when drinking the urine of someone who is taking drug or prescriptions that are processed through the kidneys (if the urine is heavily diluted, it makes this less of an issue.) Whatever someone is taking will come out through their urine and although in trace/small amounts you will end up consuming. You should particularly take caution if you are taking any prescriptions that may interact.

Don’t drink urine if you are dehydrated or overheating, the minerals that are excreted in urine can exacerbate this and cause you to have some issues.

Don’t drink a very large quantity of urine at one time.

Although 95-90% sterile, the body filters what you put into it through the kidneys and puts out some waste into the urine. That being said, drinking urine is harmless if fresh and the producer is not on any substances that may be harmful to you. It has a small amount of bacteria/minerals (urea, potassium, sodium and creatinine) that can be harmful if consumed in very large quantities or if left for several days. If you stay well hydrated and don’t consume a large quantity of urine, you should be fine. I’d say for every glass of urine you drink, you should also drink a glass of water.

In closing, drinking urine is largely a safe activity especially compared to some of the risks that we can encounter as kinksters. Have fun and stay safe!

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Proper Protocol with Your BDSM Mistress

Introduction to Communicating with my BDSM Mistress

A BDSM slave’s thoughts on proper protocol

Mistress Ruby gave me the assignment to write to Her some about how to address your BDSM Mistress properly, make requests, share fantasies, and have respectful conversation. Also, i am to include a breakdown of dos’ and don’ts for each topic. She instructed me to have no limit on length, deliver it to Her by the end of the week, and to write it from my standpoint.
A few initial thoughts about the assignment immediately ran through my head. First was gratitude, since this is the first writing assignment my Mistress has given me in a long while. Because i strive to be the perfect submissive, and as my Mistress brought me into the BDSM lifestyle from 30 years of monogamous vanilla hetero relationships, during the first months we were together i processed nearly every encounter we had by writing essays which i shared with Her. Mostly, these were written as if i were writing a letter to her, but in reality they were attempts to hear myself say the things i wanted to say so that i could sort my fantasies from my realities. Frankly, i wouldn’t be surprised if that was somewhat off-putting for Her, but She was very patient with me and when She had comments they came as constructive criticism, encouragement, and appreciation that i took our relationship seriously enough to write my thoughts down.
Second, and i will address this more completely below, i immediately sent back to Her both confirmation that i understood the request as well as a request to get more information about Her expected length, perspective, and due date. While i tend to over communicate, i think my Mistress understands my desire to meet Her expectations and that i often need some specific information to do so.
Finally, i get a great deal of pleasure from my Mistress giving me specific instruction, be it in Her dungeon, around the house, or with other types of requests She makes of me. Within our D/s relationship, admittedly the physical and psychological facets of BDSM were compelling at first, but i have found that pleasing my Mistress in any way possible brings me the greatest joy. It is my mission to try to make Her life not just more comfortable but more fulfilling every day. She is my Goddess and She makes me want to be a better human, seeking self-actualization every moment of my life as a goal.
With that introduction, i MUST now actually get to the assignment!
● blue ●

Addressing my Mistress Properly

As my Mistress’ submissive male i have learned the value of communication, both oral and written. In all of my direct interactions with Her i always use the honorific of “Miss” or “Mistress” when addressing Her directly. By doing so i intend to indicate to not only my respect for Her, but also my submission and deference to Her above all others. When speaking with Her i attempt to not interrupt other activities She may be doing and then wait for acknowledgement to go forward with whatever i need to say. Moreover i take the responsibility of being understood by Her to ensure my comments are not miscommunicated.
You will notice that i capitalize all feminine pronouns referring to my Mistress, as well as using lowercase when referring to myself in writing. This is not a requirement of me by my Mistress, but instead is one of many overt indications of my submissiveness that i adopted early on in my writings to Her.
But i have it easy because my BDSM Mistress is very special in that She makes all of Her expectations of me very clear. Miss Ruby Enraylls is a well-respected Pro-Domme with a broad public and professional presence in the Seattle Kink, BDSM, and professional sex work communities. As part of Her professional self, She maintains marketing ads on several adult services websites. Before ever communicating with Her, i read EVERYTHING i could find. Upon reading Her ads, they funneled me to Her website,, which i read completely (many times in fact) before ever communicating with Her. On Her site She clearly explains in complete detail all aspects of Her professional practice including introductory information, specifics about the services She offers, some personal details, photos and links to videos, a calendar of Her availability, and contact information for booking appointments. What really helped me was Her FAQ and Her “Sessions” page, where She details how to schedule an appointment, what to expect from Her, Do’s and Don’ts, Dungeon Rules, and a note about “When We Meet.”
Having read through Her site several times before actually reaching out to Her, one small sentence jumped out at me from the “What you can expect from me” section of the aforementioned “Sessions” page:
To me respect means that when you address me you call me as “Miss”, “Miss Ruby”, or “Mistress” … and that you’ll respect my limits and not attempt to push our relationship further than i define it.
All of Her writing on Her site is informative and from Her heart, but this simple phrase spoke to my core about how to respect Her as a person, not “just” a service provider or a Mistress. As a submissive male to my core who had never acknowledged my need for female domination in my intimate relationships, this statement made clear to me how to fully respect this amazing woman. While this prescriptive address for a Dominatrix is socially normative even in vanilla culture outside of the Kink/BDSM lifestyle, Her not having taken this detail for granted spoke volumes to me about Her desire to communicate with Her clientele, not simply act out a role. Miss Ruby, while providing “scenes” negotiated with Her clients based upon their fantasies and discussed before each session, does not participate in such scenes within a context of an actress fulfilling a role. Instead, She provides Her clients the very real experience of Her deep sensual Dominant self to fulfill their submissive fantasies. She is a Dominatrix, She doesn’t play one.
Whilst our relationship has matured from our initial professional/client association, “high protocol” as described in many books on BDSM has never been part of our D/s dynamic. Regardless, this simple requirement put forward in Her expectations sets the tone of a conversation on any topic from the submissive. It not only reflects acknowledgement of respect but also overtly enables the beginning of power exchange that is core to the D/s experience.
To this day i do not believe i have ever addressed Miss Ruby any other way, sometimes to a fault. In fact, i find it difficult to refer to Her any other way, even in polite conversation not in Her presence. Just this week in fact i started training myself to “swallow” the “Miss” honorific in daily discussions with others so that i can refer to Her by name. Similarly i find it difficult to use Her public name in social situations with our circle of friends.


Use “Miss” or “Mistress” either alone or preceding Her name whenever addressing Her directly. Other variations allowed with negotiation may include “Goddess”, “Lady”, “Master”, “Madam”, or any other honorific pleases your Mistress.
Apply this rule without exception to the context; whether it be in Her dungeon during play, in Her den before or after sessions, or in public if She has graced you with Her presence. Also it is used whether in spoken or written communication (including texting).
Always speak direct and clearly. Leave no wiggle room if making a request. While quite empathic, that does not mean She knows your thoughts until you voice them.
Ensure that you have Her attention before trying to speak, especially if you are talking to something you expect Her to take to heart.
Be open and honest with both yourself and your Mistress; remember the power of words not just to be understood, but also to represent inner feelings and beliefs.


Never call Her by any other colloquial names (“honey” or “sweetie”… ewwww!).
Don’t challenge boundaries clearly negotiated with your Mistress for your relationship.
On no occasion assume your Mistress knows what you are thinking or feeling. Duh!
Never raise your voice in anger, TYPE IN ALL CAPS, or try to use coded phrases when trying to communicate with Her. Use your words like you were taught in kindergarten, and use them as an adult.
Making Requests of my Mistress
As the first topic suggests, you often will need to ask something of your Mistress that She is not giving or understanding, either around or during play time. So you already know it is imperative that you make such requests with all the respect your Mistress deserves. And if you are asking for something not previously discussed or negotiated you must be prepared to not have your request granted. Without disappointment, regret, or anger. Ever.
Your Mistress can do one of many things with a request, but they all boil down to either granting or denying the request. If granted, be sure to immediately thank your Mistress. If denied, drop it. Simple.
Remember that if your Mistress is an exceptional one, as you should always strive to find, She will be ten steps ahead of you in your D/s relationships. Dommes that i have met tend to play the “long game” which may have many things granted in the short term and others, while on the menu, are kept at an arm’s length from Her submissive, and still others hard boundaries that are non-negotiable. As an aspiring submissive, you simply must accept Her lead. It’s all about Her anyway, remember?
But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for something outside of your current D/s relationship boundaries or expectations. You just have to accept the reality that it may not get granted.
You also have to think about what impact your request may have on the current state of your relationship. To my earlier point, if a request is denied yet you continue to raise it, know that this may be considered a harassment to which your Mistress may use to terminate your relationship. It’s not an all-or-nothing point, but depending on the request it could be. Again; at best your request will be granted, at worst, it will be denied. Short and sweet.


Always respect the boundaries previously negotiated with your Mistress.
Respectfully present requests that potentially push boundaries in a low-stress environment where it can be both objectively evaluated and discussed.
If your request is a “show-stopper” for you, write it down, along with your feelings on the request, how you think it will benefit your Mistress by granting it to you, and how you think it will impact your relationship if your request is denied. Then put it under your pillow and sleep on it, literally. Then tear it up and write it again. Rinse, reapply, repeat. Do this for ten days then see if it is still important enough to re-negotiate.


Don’t be a dick.
Repeatedly asking for the same thing previously denied by your Mistress is a recipe for dissolving your relationship with Her.
Insisting your Mistress partake in sexual activity outside of negotiated boundaries in the middle of a fully-involved scene that is requiring Her full attention is a recipe for destruction as well as disaster.
Never make a request an ultimatum if you are not willing to deal with the consequences of your action.

Sharing Fantasies with my Mistress

Part and parcel of a D/s relationship with a Mistress is fulfilling frequently deeply closeted, mostly kinky as fuck, often disturbing to most of society fantasies. Even “common” BDSM activities are by definition only imagined by our vanilla brethren. EVERYONE has sexual fantasies at some point in their life if not for all of their life. And your Mistress has heard them all, and likely has heard many you have not. But, putting your deepest fantasies on paper or into a conversation with your Mistress is not something done in most people’s everyday life.
Your Mistress will ask you what your fantasies are and when given that opportunity you must not be shy. If by for some unbelievable happening She doesn’t, then tell Her you want to have the discussion. Accepting and embracing your desires is part of the honest communication i spoke of earlier. And everything should be on the table for negotiation, and negotiation is an integral part of safe, sane, and consensual activity.
Some may have a checklist of fantastic kinks they want to experience or may only be curious about. Some may write erotic fiction describing scenes that they see themselves in with their Mistress. Others may only feel comfortable talking about fantasies face to face. Whatever the delivery mechanism, being able to most fully describe it is part of the open and honest conversation you have regularly with your Domme.
Some of the ways i have tried (other than the checklist and erotic fiction), include things such as i put in the DO’s list below.


Sharing images or clips of scenes you find in adult media (porn!) with your commentary can be an effective way to speak that which you cannot find words for.
Jot down short vignettes as they occur, such as upon waking or during those boring work meetings. Then you can either shoot off in email or present to your Miss the next time you see Her
Watch porn with Her and try to be objective and clinical about it; crack jokes about it to make it normal.


Don’t send Her dick pics unless She has asked you to first.
Never pout when you ask for one thing and get it when you actually wanted something else.
At no time press your Mistress to do anything outside of Her negotiated boundaries. She may push yours, but you pushing Hers is not part of the dynamic.

Having Respectful Conversations with my Mistress

Now that the basic protocols for addressing your Mistress and proper ways to present requests and fantasies to Her have been discussed, the atmosphere and behavior during the resultant conversations also have their own protocol. Many of these items are common sense or typical social conventions, but the must be followed in order to show the utmost respect and resultant consideration from your Mistress. While you may be a sexual deviant, you should not deviate from these points!
To back up, what is “respect” and how does one provide it? It’s easy enough to look up the definition &/or synonyms, and even query the Internet for other’s opinions. The words that stick out to me include esteem, high regard, admiration, deference, and reverence. Some of the ways to commonly show respect are listed below:
Actively Listen: when someone speaks to you give them your full attention
Honor your Word: if you say you will do something then do it; if it can’t be done then communicate it
Be on Time: or, better, be 15 minutes early; show that you value other’s time as much or more than your own
Think of situations in your life where you must interact and communicate with another person who is not your peer. When you were a school child, it could be your teacher or principal. If in the military it would be your Drill Sargent or Company Commander. At work it would be your boss’s boss or, better, the CEO of the company. Or better yet, think of being at the White House and meeting the President of the United States, arguably the most powerful person in the world. Now, thinking of these situations, ask yourself some rhetorical questions:
Do you address them by their given name or and address them as “Sir” or “Madam”?
Would you blurt out questions or wait until a proper time in the conversation arose?
Would you touch them as you spoke or would you stay a socially acceptable distance apart?
Do you use your “indoor voice” when emphasizing a point or do you raise your voice to make your passion on the topic understood?
Are any points you may raise laced with profanity or are you more clear in expressing your thoughts?
Unless you are truly out of touch with reality, when these questions arise you think twice before you act, especially when speaking. And thus you remind yourself of your understood position of power in the relationship and then act accordingly.
Having a Mistress, either in a play situation or in a longer term D/s relationship, requires clear understanding of the poles of power. Power exchange is the core of a fulfilling D/s relationship. Even in play (including pay-for-play), such poles are governed by natural law; by that i mean that if the balance of power is upset then the basis of the relationship is skewed and therefore in danger of being nullified. If the power is neutralized, there is little attraction or energy. But if the power roles are clearly defined, understood, and acted upon then the maximum potential energy is enabled to be drawn upon. In fact, the “stronger” the individuals are in their roles of Dominant and submissive, the greater that potential energy becomes, and the maximum pleasure from the relationship is realized.
Your Mistress is the center of your universe; if She is not then you should find another Mistress. Being an adult you know the concept of respect and need always defer to your Mistress in thought, word, and deed.


Think before you speak.
Present a humble attitude when conversing, including proper address, language, tone, and personal space.
Expect to have your relationship terminated if you disrespect your Mistress.


Never lie, berate, criticize, or in any way disrespect your Mistress.
Don’t even think about touching your Mistress during normal conversation unless you ask first and then are allowed.
At no time raise your voice in anger to your Mistress.
Never interrupt your BDSM Mistress while She is speaking.

In Closing

In reading this essay keep in mind the value of your relationship with your Mistress. In my relationship with Miss Ruby i seek to become a better human as a result of being Her submissive man. To that end i offer Her thoughts, words, and deeds on a daily basis to acknowledge that submission. Personally, i find these things natural to do and never a chore; if they are a chore for you i would humbly advise you to consider re-evaluating your desire to be in a D/s relationship with your Mistress. Perhaps you want to become a better submissive yet are challenged by understanding these point; in that case you have much to work on with your Mistress. If you are lucky your Mistress will have the time, patience, and energy to invest in your becoming Her submissive, bringing both She and you greater pleasures from life.
As with any human interaction, the benefits you derive from your relationship with your Mistress are proportional to the energy you put into that relationship.
Best wishes on your journey!

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