Advice, Thoughts & General Opinions

My name is Ruby Enraylls and I am a Seattle dominatrix. I used to write frequently but occasionally fall out of practice. This is my sounding board to the world, I would love it if you took a brief listen.
Some topics I like to discuss are:
The BDSM scene in Seattle
The Sex worker scene in Seattle
Human rights
Logic
Hacking, Infosec and geekery
Beauty products
Relationships and polyamory
Philosophical reasoning for human behavior
Mental, emotional and behavioral mapping of people
Things that bother me
Things I like
And much more!

A Dominatrix Guesses Who’s a Virgin

It’s been a while since I did a Cut video! They were nice enough to invite me back to guess who is a virgin. I wanted to make a point of guessing who I thought was going to be the “obvious” choice with the intent of highlighting how cultural biases are often incorrect. I hope you enjoy the video as much as I did when filming it!

A Dominatrix Guesses Who’s a Virgin

10 Essential BDSM Toys for Beginners

Everyone has to start somewhere, this is a BDSM toy guide for anyone starting a collection. I wanted to share my favorite BDSM toys and gear I think is essential for any kit in an easy format. Whether you are a domestic dominatrix in training, a couple looking to spice things up or a loyal sub with dreams of having the perfect toy kit, this list is for you.

  1. Strap on harness

Every dominatrix needs a good harness that fits well, is comfortable and gets the job done right. For the beginning dominatrix you might think “I will get a kit” but that is a mistake. Strap on kits usually come with a nylon strap harness and dildos that are so-so (usually too big or too small.) It may take a while to figure out what you like best but my favorite is The Jag by Aslan Leathers I like thong harnesses that can be converted and the leather is treated so it’s easy to clean and doesn’t break down over time.

  1. Dildos

It will take a while for anyone who is a beginner dominatrix to figure out what kind of dildos they like but I recommend materials that are body safe over jelly toys or PVC. I think it’s important to make sure it’s easy to clean/cover as well. Tantus has a great selection of toys to choose from that come in a variety of colors and sizes.

  1. Restraints

 Restraints are very personal in their appeal. Maybe you’re a leather fan, or perhaps you enjoy the art of rope bondage. For those who are first exploring bondage, I have enjoyed Hemp Rope by Twisted Monk. It’s more expensive than what you will find at a hardware store but also more versatile. For example, you can use rope to tie a set of handcuffs or a create a cuff that you can attach anywhere. I began with rope and still find its meditative process to be grounding and a great way of building energy and anticipation within the scene.

  1. Impact Toys

Everyone loves the mental image of the dominatrix with the whip, right? It’s classic and unforgettable. However, learning to use a whip takes a lot of practice. I suggest starting with something like a riding crop, paddle or flogger first. I love Cane-iac for their creativity with unusual materials and their superb execution of the classics (like a cane, for example.)

  1. Sensory play Toys

Oooh, sensory play. There are so many different ways you can take this- Pokey toys, soft floggers, electro play… It all depends on the vibe of the scene. Sensory play increases suspense when you use it to build a scene or it can push the experience over the top. You can’t go wrong with a wartenberg wheel, honestly. I like playing the game of keeping myself to oe random toy and seeing how much I can do with it.

  1. Hoods/Blindfolds

Hoods and such aren’t for everyone, some people feel very claustrophobic in them but I think they are a great tool to have in your tool kit. You can surprise someone with sensations or take complete control of them. Personally, I like hoods with the mouth exposed like the Cocksucker Hood by Mr S but in a pinch an eye mask for sleeping is great.

  1. Nipple play 

Surprisingly, many don’t know about the benefits of exploring nipple play- They are an unfortunately overlooked erogenous zone. I like to warm up with plastic clothes pins which are easily cleanable. If you want to leave the realm of sensory exploration, you can make them squirm with a strong set of clover clamps.

  1. Gags  

Are they too noisy? Plug their mouth with a gag to really make them feel helpless! I like ball gags personally but a good dental gag or even a ring gag has a place in my dungeon. I love versatility in all my toys so I find that the options provided by Bondage Webbing to be a perfect fit.

  1. Paddles

How will they know that you mean business unless you can really give them a good, hard spanking? I prefer paddles from Cane-iac. They have a variety of paddles in many different kinds of wood (yes that makes a difference. Let’s say it “hits different.”) More importantly, I’m yet to break one of their products. Save for canes, of course.

  1. A collar 

Lead them around and help them find sub space by locking a collar on. Many subs have told me how a collar has a been emotional impact on them, why not use that power to control them and pull them exactly into the headspace that you want? A formal leather slave collar is wonderful but so is a dog collar. What is your preference? I think quality is very important, so one of my favorite stores is Leather By Danny. You may recognize many of the designs there, now you have found the original source of the creativity.

Image by Tantus

The Ultimate Femdom Gift Giving Guide

What is the ultimate slave task? Understanding your Mistress. Think of your research into her/their preferences as slave training. Are you trying to impress your Mistress? Make her happy? GOOD. That is exactly what you should be doing as her loyal servant. A birthday shouldn’t pass without you celebrating with your Mistress. 

I’m turning 30 in the middle of April so I decided to create an easy guide for my loyal subs to find me a gift that we both will enjoy.

As with all gift giving, you should ask yourself “is this for them or is it for me?” The latter is fine but you should acknowledge that you are giving them a gift for you rather than investigating what they might want. If you want to knock it out of the ballpark, your best methods for success are research and paying attention. I think that successful gifting is based on how well you know someone’s love language which relates to their gift preferences.

  1. Service

Does your dominant talk about wanting to be able to do something or have something done but they don’t have the bandwidth, time or energy to do it themselves? Easy. If you can make it happen for them, do so. Ask questions if you aren’t sure of something. A great example of this is The Garden Path that one of my subs commissioned for me on my birthday a few years ago. I enjoy it immensely and it was one of the best gifts I’ve gotten.

  1. Something Useful

Everyone loves having that magic thing that fills a hole in their life or solves a problem, maybe one they didn’t know they had. In order to achieve this, you must know them well. A great example from my life is receiving a very nice set of knives when I started cooking. I didn’t know how amazing good knives are compared to the crappy ones I was using.

  1. Something Practical

Finding something practical that someone needs or wants is a pretty easy gifting opportunity and they will think of you whenever they use it. I have gotten tennis shoes, a sofa, clothes, kitchen items, things for my cats, gift cards that enabled me to complete a project or simply enjoy something. 

  1. Luxury Items

I feel that anything outside of the realm of what someone will normally spend on themselves is a luxury gift.Or an upgrade to something they already have. You usually have to ask or do research but it can be immensely exciting to get a gift that you wouldn’t buy for yourself. I’ve received jewelry, shoes, lingerie, dungeon furniture and a NAS set up to backup all my media.

  1. An Experience 

Do they talk about wanting to go somewhere or do something? Perfect! Whether it’s a trip to the spa or a trip to the beach, experiences are precious and the memory doesn’t fade. I’ve been taken on trips, taken to events, done crazy things and had my spa trips paid for. Big or small, I’ve loved every experience.

Image (c) Forbes

Blog: A Dominatrix Guesses Strangers Kinks (Ruby)

Something like six months ago I was in a series couple of videos titled A Dominatrix Guesses Strangers Kinks and Guess My Kink Lineup by Cut. They were created by a Youtube studio called Cut that creates content that creates funny, entertaining, prankish and oddly bias challenging videos. When one of the reps contacted me to do the video, I felt comfortable working with them having had done a couple videos before but I had no idea what to expect this time around nor did I have any idea what would happen as a result of the videos being published.

“Guess My Kink” sounded like a game that I could win, so I was game. What I wasn’t prepared for was the emotional impact it would have on me.

During the filming, we had time to connect with each other but the initial camera time I was very off kilter- I was in a room by myself and had no opportunity to connect with anyone. (Although I did make friends with several people after the fact.) It was unlike any time I had been on set because I had been completely alone prior and didn’t know anyone. I know that was part of the point but it was quite unnerving. Once I stepped on to the set, I had to instantly turn on into my normal mode but it wasn’t quite right.

I often play a game of a dominatrix guesses strangers kinks as a party trick or just as an every day part of my life but when you’re dealing with absolute strangers, under video lighting with cameras rolling it becomes a different game. What if I say something humiliating? What if I reveal too much about other people? What if I sound biased or rude? I became very self conscious and suddenly had no idea where I was standing with regard to other people. Then it hit me, this was the whole point of the creation of the video. Other than myself, everyone just looked like people you might find on the street and on any other given day so do I. People in the BDSM community are just like everyone else and unless you know someone pretty intimately their kinks might surprise you. I knew from watching other Cut videos that creating videos was designed to challenge the viewers but I didn’t realize that I was part of that venture. I consider myself fairly open minded but I suppose you can always be more open minded and considerate of others.

Anyway, I believe that our beliefs (both positive and negative) should be challenged. I hope that you too are given wonderful opportunities to open your mind and explore your biases and thoughts.


Blog: You’re Not Alone

The holidays impact everyone differently: Some people go into a manic holiday cheer, others wander aimlessly through the swathes of people contemplating their own demise through pounds of festive treats and spiced booze. Personally, I vacillate but I see it all in my friends and my play partners and people tend to be very forthcoming with their feelings during the holidays. It’s interesting what people will tell you and how that makes you think about yourself.

Recently someone was talking to me about the shame involved in their own kink and it made me think about how ashamed and alone I felt when I was first officially starting out in kink- No one in my friends circle understood me and I ended up being an outcast because I was kinky. There are a lot of complicated things that led up to that being factually true but let’s just say that and leave it at that.

I had never felt like an outcast or a reject before but I did then and some part of me still does, it’s hard to shake. It impacts you pretty deeply when people reject or abandon you for some reason and when it’s because you’re different, it stings. Because of this, whenever someone tells me they fear being rejected I want to tell them they won’t be by me, that they aren’t alone. If someone does reject them it’s not about them but the hang ups of whoever is rejecting them and that it doesn’t matter. Ultimately it doesn’t, really. If I hadn’t been rejected I may not have had the courage to follow my dreams from where I was, I needed to get out of there and being rejected was the only way I was going to leave.

Consider this my version of “It gets better.” (It really does get better.) If you feel alone, reach out. If you don’t know how to deal with your kink or how to talk to your partner/family about it and you’re scared of how they’ll react, send me an email. There’s no point in going through something alone.

BDSM Advice: The Ultimate Guide to Drinking Pee

watersports human toilet

The Ultimate Guide to Drinking Urine

Welcome to the Ultimate Guide for Drinking Urine! Clearly I have piqued your curiosity, so here I am going to outline the risks associated with drinking urine and how to avoid them with an eye towards safely receiving your mistress’ gifts. It is very safe to drink your own urine but there are some minor safety concerns involved in drinking another person’s urine. In most healthy people urine is sterile and free of harmful bacteria, viruses, or other substances. Let’s dive in and talk about the details.

Why do people want to drink urine?

Drinking urine is a very primal thing. Often times it is tied to desires of being a human toilet. Assuming something that has passed through someone else’s body and been prepared especially for you makes you feel closer to them. Water is a substance that is central to life and you are getting it from your partner. At the same time it carries overtones of dominance, submission, and ownership. Urine is used to mark things as property. While we are not wild animals it is hard to escape the idea that something we have urinated on or in belongs to us. It is something very primal and deeply encoded. It also carries a mark of humiliation in that you are being treated as property. You become a toilet. It is a complex interplay of feelings and associations that can be quite strong.

Is it safe?

For the most part yes. In most normal healthy people urine is sterile and free of bacteria and viruses. While there may be some risk of STI transmission with direct genital contact, that is no different than any other consensual activity and appropriate precautions should be taken.

So if urine is mostly safe, what shouldn’t you do with it?

Don’t drink urine that has been sitting out (for any period of time longer than maybe an hour.) As I’ve mentioned, urine has bacteria and it will grow outside the body, the bacteria is how you get a UTI. It’s better fresh anyways.

Don’t drink urine that has been refrigerated for several days. Again, bacteria growth is an issue.

Take caution when drinking the urine of someone who is taking drug or prescriptions that are processed through the kidneys (if the urine is heavily diluted, it makes this less of an issue.) Whatever someone is taking will come out through their urine and although in trace/small amounts you will end up consuming. You should particularly take caution if you are taking any prescriptions that may interact.

Don’t drink urine if you are dehydrated or overheating, the minerals that are excreted in urine can exacerbate this and cause you to have some issues.

Don’t drink a very large quantity of urine at one time.

Although 95-90% sterile, the body filters what you put into it through the kidneys and puts out some waste into the urine. That being said, drinking urine is harmless if fresh and the producer is not on any substances that may be harmful to you. It has a small amount of bacteria/minerals (urea, potassium, sodium and creatinine) that can be harmful if consumed in very large quantities or if left for several days. If you stay well hydrated and don’t consume a large quantity of urine, you should be fine. I’d say for every glass of urine you drink, you should also drink a glass of water.

In closing, drinking urine is largely a safe activity especially compared to some of the risks that we can encounter as kinksters. Have fun and stay safe!

Contrary to Popular Opinion

There seems to be a lot of debate about whether or not to punish people who commit social “crimes” in the community right now. Personally, I’m of the mindset that if a legal court and thousands of highly educated minds can’t come up with a good solution for the problem of consent violation then a secret committee of kinky people in Seattle certainly have no hope of finding a solution. I have prided myself on my delusions of grandeur in the past but even I’m not so narcissistic that I hold the belief that I have a one size fits all solution to consent- I will be the first person to point out how absolutely bonkers I am and by the same coin, make no mistake that my statement is meant to insult and humiliate. From where I’m standing, which is on both sides of the issue, anyone who is acting hypocritically should be made aware of that and should be embarrassed about their conduct- I know I was when I made the same mistake last summer.

Let’s be clear here for a second though, everyone who has done any topping in the kink community is guilty of multiple felonies. If you’re going to put one person’s actions under a fine microscope and make connections to crimes that cannot be tried in a court of law you should expect that same treatment in return. So let’s knock out a couple definitions here in Washington state:

RCW 9A.36.011
Assault in the first degree.
(1) A person is guilty of assault in the first degree if he or she, with intent to inflict great bodily harm:
(a) Assaults another with a firearm or any deadly weapon or by any force or means likely to produce great bodily harm or death; or
(b) Administers, exposes, or transmits to or causes to be taken by another, poison, the human immunodeficiency virus as defined in chapter 70.24 RCW, or any other destructive or noxious substance; or
(c) Assaults another and inflicts great bodily harm.
(2) Assault in the first degree is a class A felony.

9A.36.021
Assault in the second degree.

(1) A person is guilty of assault in the second degree if he or she, under circumstances not amounting to assault in the first degree:
(a) Intentionally assaults another and thereby recklessly inflicts substantial bodily harm; or
(b) Intentionally and unlawfully causes substantial bodily harm to an unborn quick child by intentionally and unlawfully inflicting any injury upon the mother of such child; or
(c) Assaults another with a deadly weapon; or
(d) With intent to inflict bodily harm, administers to or causes to be taken by another, poison or any other destructive or noxious substance; or
(e) With intent to commit a felony, assaults another; or
(f) Knowingly inflicts bodily harm which by design causes such pain or agony as to be the equivalent of that produced by torture; or
(g) Assaults another by strangulation or suffocation.
(2)(a) Except as provided in (b) of this subsection, assault in the second degree is a class B felony.
(b) Assault in the second degree with a finding of sexual motivation under RCW 9.94A.835 or 13.40.135 is a class A felony.

RCW 9A.04.110
Definitions.
In this title unless a different meaning plainly is required:
(1) “Acted” includes, where relevant, omitted to act;
(2) “Actor” includes, where relevant, a person failing to act;
(3) “Benefit” is any gain or advantage to the beneficiary, including any gain or advantage to a third person pursuant to the desire or consent of the beneficiary;
(4)(a) “Bodily injury,” “physical injury,” or “bodily harm” means physical pain or injury, illness, or an impairment of physical condition;
(b) “Substantial bodily harm” means bodily injury which involves a temporary but substantial disfigurement, or which causes a temporary but substantial loss or impairment of the function of any bodily part or organ, or which causes a fracture of any bodily part;
(c) “Great bodily harm” means bodily injury which creates a probability of death, or which causes significant serious permanent disfigurement, or which causes a significant permanent loss or impairment of the function of any bodily part or organ;
(5) “Building,” in addition to its ordinary meaning, includes any dwelling, fenced area, vehicle, railway car, cargo container, or any other structure used for lodging of persons or for carrying on business therein, or for the use, sale, or deposit of goods; each unit of a building consisting of two or more units separately secured or occupied is a separate building;
(6) “Deadly weapon” means any explosive or loaded or unloaded firearm, and shall include any other weapon, device, instrument, article, or substance, including a “vehicle” as defined in this section, which, under the circumstances in which it is used, attempted to be used, or threatened to be used, is readily capable of causing death or substantial bodily harm;

TLDR; If you engage in 95% of popular BDSM, you are guilty of a Class A Felony. For bonus points, consent isn’t a defense in Washington State.

If you are a bottom, requesting someone top you then you are asking them to commit a felony and you are asking them to trust that you won’t change your mind about having consented after the fact. If you do not see the inherent flaw in the idea of tarring and feathering predators, I have no idea what I can talk to you about because your world view must be microscopic.

According to the law, tops have far more to lose than a bottom. You can argue that mental damage or even physical damage is horrific- Make no mistake, it is- But that in no way validates accusing someone of a Class A Felony; I have been raped, assaulted and threatened with murder on more than one occasion but I recovered, the same is not true of prisoners. 81% of rape victims report short and long term mental/emotional impacts where the rate of recidivism in prisoners ranges from 73% to 81%. Let’s consider that for a second. 81% of rape victims have emotional impacts and 81% of people who go to prison go back and get raped in prison. No part of that statement is okay and using one statistic against the other as a way of invalidating the other is crass, non-feeling hilariously hypocritical and just self motivated; Neither rape victims nor rapists should be treated without empathy, lest we all devolve into chaos.

Wait, didn’t we all decide as a nation that it is better to let guilty people go free than punish the innocent?

Not All Rape Victims

As I’ve stated before, I am a rape victim and a victim of assault and I’m proud of it. I’m not proud because it happened but I’m proud because I overcame it, I learned from it, I grew and I became better for it. Was it fucked up and not okay? Absolutely. Do I want someone to protect me because I am a victim and I am fragile? Nope and fuck you for treating me like a delicate flower. In fact, I consider such efforts to be amazingly condescending and often misogynistic; “Oh, the poor little lady bottom has to be protected from the big bad male top and I am the one with a perfect record so I will save them all!”

This may sound like I am blaming victims but consider that I am saying this from the place of being a victim- You can only be defeated by things that you allow to destroy you; If you let someone else’s actions ruin your life instead of learning from it and becoming stronger, you wasted the learning opportunity. If you care at all about your wellbeing and safety, you need to be proactive about protecting yourself and adapting to your surroundings.

In my personal life and my professional life, I take responsibility for my own safety; I don’t rely on the opinions of others as a method of telling whether someone is an okay person or not. This means I research them, I ask questions, I am self aware and I think about how their reactions make me feel. I don’t use black lists or references and I almost never ask anyone for their opinion or experience with someone because it isn’t applicable to me. Even if those lists and references were perfect when it comes to reporting problems, they would be flawed because such things don’t actually have an impact on behavior. EG. People seek out folks who are dangerous because they are fun, then they ask their friends if someone is alright as a way to validate their choice. Personally, I have found “The Gift of Fear” to be a much more useful and accurate set of tools when it comes to spotting predators.

I know, I know. You are lazy and that is why you’re making a list. Let’s look at the best case possible and check out the statistics of the effectiveness of Sex Offender Registries:

4. Defendants were more likely to have charges reduced from sex to nonsex crimes over time,
with a 9% predicted probability of reduced charges from 1990-1994 (pre-SORN), a 15%
predicted probability of reduced charges from 1995-1999 (corresponding with initial
implementation of SORN) and a 19% predicted probability after 1999 (corresponding with
implementation of Internet notification).
5. Results also indicated that the probability of obtaining a charge reduced from truth-insentencing
(TIS) to non-TIS increased over time for sex crime defendants.
6. The probability of a guilty disposition changed at each year group, with a predicted
probability of 55% from 1990-1994, increasing to 65% from 1995-1999, and then declining
to 60% after 1999. This final decline was more pronounced when pleaded cases were
removed from analyses.
7. With respect to failure to register (FTR) as a sex offender, no significant differences were
found between the sexual recidivism rates of registered offenders with FTR charges and
those without FTR charges (11% vs. 9%, respectively). There was no significant difference
in the proportion of sexual recidivists and nonrecidivists with registration violations (12%
and 10%, respectively). Failure to register did not predict sexual recidivism, and survival
analyses revealed no significant difference in time to recidivism when comparing those who
failed to register (M = 2.9 years) with compliant registrants (M = 2.8 years).

TLDR; New rapists raped 3 fewer people a month in South Carolina but repeat rapists continued their fun. This means that even with a significant amount of resources, you can’t create a tool that would protect very many people and if you think someone is a serial predator then your efforts are completely useless.

All that means is that you are dis-empowering women by removing their ability to consent and you are doing a great impression of security theater.

Sources:
http://app.leg.wa.gov/rcw/default.aspx?cite=9a.36&full=true#9A.36.021
http://app.leg.wa.gov/rcw/default.aspx?cite=9A.04.110
http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf
https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/231989.pdf

Consent Violation Accusation: The Big Red C

I have violated the consent of others, likely so have you. I am an edge player, that means I coax my bottoms to test their own limits- I do not test them but I give them the opportunity to test themselves and the only guidelines I have for this are what my bottoms tell me is and isn’t okay: Verbally and otherwise. I choose to believe that people are responsible for themselves and their actions. That being said, I am incredibly manipulative and I’m pretty sure I could convince people to change some pretty fundamental things about themselves.

I like to break the rules, especially ones that I think give us a false sense of security: In the sex work community this means to always use references- I did that once and he was a man who nearly killed a woman in Texas. Of course he was. Why would a predator not have good references? Sadly, that is just assuming the best case scenario which would be that people are completely predictable and never change their behavior or attitude with a change of company; I would be a fool to believe that for a second.

When it comes to negotiation I almost never do it in such a way that anyone else would recognize as anything more than a conversation or a sharing of stories; In my professional and personal play, I rarely ask for hard limits in a direct, verbal and concise way but I do ask. Just not in ways that you would expect or often even notice. Often in my professional play people will ask me how I knew something, often something they didn’t even know about themselves. Because I choose my partners carefully and curate my experiences, almost all feedback has been positive. Unfortunately, perspective is fluid.

The last time I used explicit verbal consent for everything I did, I had invited the friend of my partner to join me on a work session which helped her out of a horrible situation. Everything I did with her I had talked about with her in as much detail as she would allow but in the end she gave me the answer “Check in with me during the scene and I will tell you if it’s okay.” I felt a little knot in the pit of my stomach when she said this and in retrospect, I should have trusted my instincts because months later I found out she had been telling everyone I knew that I raped her- Despite the fact that I asked her repeatedly before, during and after if something was okay. She of course said yes every time.

This destroyed me- Maybe 2 years before this happened, I was held down and raped by two of my friends at the time and that assault left me with permanent nerve damage in my arm. The idea that I had caused that kind of damage to another person made me want to die and I cried for a long time about it.

I confronted her as soon as I found out and she told me that “People are blowing things out of proportion.” I looked into her eyes and told her she needed to tell me if things were okay and she said yes. I kept hearing that I had damaged her and not only was there nothing I could do about it but she wouldn’t even acknowledge to me that it was a problem. This broke my trust in the words of people because I have seen time and time again that people will lie to get something they want, or to please you.

I’ve watched many people in the public eye become targeted because someone didn’t like that person and took to “the community” to get support for their cause. Yet, at the same time I have had someone who is currently an educator put me in harm’s way during a scene where he paid me to be a bondage model and when I raised concerns he responded by saying “This is how we do it at my organization.” and to make matters worse, when I told him after the fact that I would never play with him again and why he said “Hmm.. I understand how you might feel that way.” I remember it 5 years later because it is the reason I stopped bottoming and the reason I stopped doing pick up play, period. Worse yet, I only got an apology when the leader of said organization spoke to this individual and he didn’t even remember it. At best, this means that was standard operating procedure for him.

The worst part is that this person is allowed to continue getting away with being careless because people consider him “absent minded” or “kind of a hillbilly.” This scares the shit out of me because it means that at the end of the day the only thing that stands between being an idiot and someone who shouldn’t be allowed to rig or an accident and a rape- Is perspective and popular opinion.

Who in their right mind would be willing to be involved in any community where that kind of hypocrisy and blatant favoritism are looked up to as “protecting” anyone? Back when I was raped and assaulted, I got ostracized from my community and thrown out because when I cried to my best friend about what had happened she told everyone and they accused me of trying to “ruin his reputation.” You know what though? I talked to him too and you know what he said to me? “Hmm.. I understand how you might feel that way.” Yet because he got more people to yell about how “crazy” and “malicious” I was, I nearly killed myself. No one asked me what happened, they assumed without information and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Personally, I would be a fool to put my career and my life’s passion in the hands of people who are treating a popularity contest like a trial. Yes, I believe victims but I don’t believe in stringing people up in front of a crowd and destroying their reputations without giving them a chance to fix it. If that is your idea of “protecting victims” then I don’t want to be any where near you because you could easily turn on me if I don’t give you what you want.

In closing, you can paint a giant red C on anyone you like but that doesn’t make the people you call “friends” any better than them. We all make mistakes and if you don’t give people a chance to fix them, you are doing something way worse than harming any one, two, three or even ten individuals. You are creating a system that encourages people to rig the popularity game in order to get away with hurting others- You are creating a hunting ground for predators with any reputation because we all are taught to “hold educators/etc to a higher standard.”

Nicely done, folks. People like you are the reason that people like me get violently raped, that escorts get killed because of a good reference, that minorities get abused by the powers that be and that outsiders choose to end it all and sometimes take others with them. I hope you’re proud of yourselves.

-Ruby Enraylls

PS. If I have harmed you in any way, I would really appreciate it if you contacted me directly so that I can fix it or at least give you an apology.

A Response to a Complaint

What the f is going on with prices
I’m not complaining really but holy shit, $300-$400 for an hour and no bbj or dato or daty
Some of you providers are fucking smoking something!

Oh ya, no reviews on some of them, just crazy

That does actually sound like you’re complaining, at least a little.

That being said, I know how frustrating it can be to want something out of your budget but that isn’t a reason to insult someone over it. Folks will set their rates at whatever works for them, if they are getting calls then it’s working. If not, maybe they’ll adjust their rates.
Insofar as activities go, would you rather have a provider do something she isn’t into at all or have someone who is having a blast and enjoys her sessions? In saying ladies should offer particular things you run the risk of having a meh session with someone who isn’t into it. Personally, I think that’s worse than being told no but maybe I’m missing something.

I think it would be great if we stopped posting lamenting threads like this in favor of encouraging ladies to offer what they enjoy. It would set a good precedent for everyone. That being said, I would be surprised if that ever happened. Until then, hooray for mediocrity!

So, I’m kind of on the fence with this. I think often price =\= quality in this world but that still doesn’t mean it’s cool to knock the prices a lady sets. As I said, if it works for her then that is great. If it doesn’t (eg, she’s not making rent) and she has any business sense, she should re-evaluate her pricing structure.
Personally, I think it’s as weird to equate menus to price or dabble with upcharges as it is to equate to quality.

When I first started advertising here, I charged less than my competitors because I felt like I wasn’t worth much due to the fact that I was new. Whether my time was worth more or not is inconsequential. However, I found that there are different kinds of clients at different price points. Although I may have made myself more accessible by having lower rates, I actually saw less people and had very few repeats (since I like building relationships with folks, I have never really been interested in one offs.) I adjusted my rates to see what would happen and around 260/hr I had more business than I could handle so I bumped up again.

Some where in there I improved my play space significantly, grew my toy collection, honed my appearance, etc. All of which is stuff I could have done at whatever rate I set. However, I did find that the higher my rates were the more I was appreciated by my clients. Where as at 160/hr, no one seemed to give a single fuck as long as they got off and I remotely resembled my pictures. I also found that below 240/hr, people always wanted to push my boundaries and offered me tips for it.

As far as what all that has to do with price vs quality from the hobbyist side, I’m not sure but I figured I would share my data anyways in case it shed light on anything.

Personally, I set my expectations out on the table from the get go and I make a point of communicating my boundaries clearly and respectfully; If what I am comfortable with is not what someone is looking for, that is totally okay but I would be disappointed if someone thought I was bullshitting with my limits with the goal of getting an upsell. Mostly what I’m saying is that it would be great if we were all a little bit more honest about our expectations. In doing so, I think the hobby would be a better experience for everyone and I think it would eliminate a lot of what you are lamenting with regards to girls wanting to “do nothing.”

I use my play (BDSM/Domination stuff) to blow off steam and it helps keep me sane by virtue of getting to do weird and sometimes “awful” things with people who enjoy it. For my other forms of connection (FBSM related,) it is extremely meditative for me to connect with someone and try to fix any issues they have with their body. When I go a significant amount of time without playing in this space I start to feel unbalanced and often irritable.

Sure, I could take my skills and go into a variety of different fields but I actually like the sexual element of it and for me my work would be less fun if there wasn’t that spark of overt sexual tension. In regular life, I tend to corrupt any professional relationship I have by toeing the line of sexual expression and this field allows me to stay out of trouble with regards to that.

I am probably just a fucking weirdo but to me, this industry is a God send because it allows me to be as sexual, seductive, kinky, odd, out there, sensual and connected to others as I want to be. While at the same time, knowing the energy exchange rate which actually prevents me from feeling taken advantage of. That being said, I know my experience is not like most but I really wish it was.

Proper Communication Protocol with Your Mistress

A submissive’s thoughts on proper protocol

Introduction to Communicating with my Mistress

Mistress Ruby gave me the assignment to write to Her some about how to address your Mistress properly, make requests, share fantasies, and have respectful conversation. Also, i am to include a breakdown of dos’ and don’ts for each topic. She instructed me to have no limit on length, deliver it to Her by the end of the week, and to write it from my standpoint.
A few initial thoughts about the assignment immediately ran through my head. First was gratitude, since this is the first writing assignment my Mistress has given me in a long while. Because i strive to be the perfect submissive, and as my Mistress brought me into the BDSM lifestyle from 30 years of monogamous vanilla hetero relationships, during the first months we were together i processed nearly every encounter we had by writing essays which i shared with Her. Mostly, these were written as if i were writing a letter to her, but in reality they were attempts to hear myself say the things i wanted to say so that i could sort my fantasies from my realities. Frankly, i wouldn’t be surprised if that was somewhat off-putting for Her, but She was very patient with me and when She had comments they came as constructive criticism, encouragement, and appreciation that i took our relationship seriously enough to write my thoughts down.
Second, and i will address this more completely below, i immediately sent back to Her both confirmation that i understood the request as well as a request to get more information about Her expected length, perspective, and due date. While i tend to over communicate, i think my Mistress understands my desire to meet Her expectations and that i often need some specific information to do so.
Finally, i get a great deal of pleasure from my Mistress giving me specific instruction, be it in Her dungeon, around the house, or with other types of requests She makes of me. Within our D/s relationship, admittedly the physical and psychological facets of BDSM were compelling at first, but i have found that pleasing my Mistress in any way possible brings me the greatest joy. It is my mission to try to make Her life not just more comfortable but more fulfilling every day. She is my Goddess and She makes me want to be a better human, seeking self-actualization every moment of my life as a goal.
With that introduction, i MUST now actually get to the assignment!
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Addressing my Mistress Properly

As my Mistress’ submissive male i have learned the value of communication, both oral and written. In all of my direct interactions with Her i always use the honorific of “Miss” or “Mistress” when addressing Her directly. By doing so i intend to indicate to not only my respect for Her, but also my submission and deference to Her above all others. When speaking with Her i attempt to not interrupt other activities She may be doing and then wait for acknowledgement to go forward with whatever i need to say. Moreover i take the responsibility of being understood by Her to ensure my comments are not miscommunicated.
You will notice that i capitalize all feminine pronouns referring to my Mistress, as well as using lowercase when referring to myself in writing. This is not a requirement of me by my Mistress, but instead is one of many overt indications of my submissiveness that i adopted early on in my writings to Her.
But i have it easy because my Mistress is very special in that She makes all of Her expectations of me very clear. Miss Ruby Enraylls is a well-respected Pro-Domme with a broad public and professional presence in the Seattle Kink, BDSM, and professional sex work communities. As part of Her professional self, She maintains marketing ads on several adult services websites. Before ever communicating with Her, i read EVERYTHING i could find. Upon reading Her ads, they funneled me to Her website, www.rubylovesyou.com, which i read completely (many times in fact) before ever communicating with Her. On Her site She clearly explains in complete detail all aspects of Her professional practice including introductory information, specifics about the services She offers, some personal details, photos and links to videos, a calendar of Her availability, and contact information for booking appointments. What really helped me was Her FAQ and Her “Sessions” page, where She details how to schedule an appointment, what to expect from Her, Do’s and Don’ts, Dungeon Rules, and a note about “When We Meet.”
Having read through Her site several times before actually reaching out to Her, one small sentence jumped out at me from the “What you can expect from me” section of the aforementioned “Sessions” page:
To me respect means that when you address me you call me as “Miss”, “Miss Ruby”, or “Mistress” … and that you’ll respect my limits and not attempt to push our relationship further than i define it.
All of Her writing on Her site is informative and from Her heart, but this simple phrase spoke to my core about how to respect Her as a person, not “just” a service provider or a Mistress. As a submissive male to my core who had never acknowledged my need for female domination in my intimate relationships, this statement made clear to me how to fully respect this amazing woman. While this prescriptive address for a Dominatrix is socially normative even in vanilla culture outside of the Kink/BDSM lifestyle, Her not having taken this detail for granted spoke volumes to me about Her desire to communicate with Her clientele, not simply act out a role. Miss Ruby, while providing “scenes” negotiated with Her clients based upon their fantasies and discussed before each session, does not participate in such scenes within a context of an actress fulfilling a role. Instead, She provides Her clients the very real experience of Her deep sensual Dominant self to fulfill their submissive fantasies. She is a Dominatrix, She doesn’t play one.
Whilst our relationship has matured from our initial professional/client association, “high protocol” as described in many books on BDSM has never been part of our D/s dynamic. Regardless, this simple requirement put forward in Her expectations sets the tone of a conversation on any topic from the submissive. It not only reflects acknowledgement of respect but also overtly enables the beginning of power exchange that is core to the D/s experience.
To this day i do not believe i have ever addressed Miss Ruby any other way, sometimes to a fault. In fact, i find it difficult to refer to Her any other way, even in polite conversation not in Her presence. Just this week in fact i started training myself to “swallow” the “Miss” honorific in daily discussions with others so that i can refer to Her by name. Similarly i find it difficult to use Her public name in social situations with our circle of friends.

DO’s

Use “Miss” or “Mistress” either alone or preceding Her name whenever addressing Her directly. Other variations allowed with negotiation may include “Goddess”, “Lady”, “Master”, “Madam”, or any other honorific pleases your Mistress.
Apply this rule without exception to the context; whether it be in Her dungeon during play, in Her den before or after sessions, or in public if She has graced you with Her presence. Also it is used whether in spoken or written communication (including texting).
Always speak direct and clearly. Leave no wiggle room if making a request. While quite empathic, that does not mean She knows your thoughts until you voice them.
Ensure that you have Her attention before trying to speak, especially if you are talking to something you expect Her to take to heart.
Be open and honest with both yourself and your Mistress; remember the power of words not just to be understood, but also to represent inner feelings and beliefs.

DON’Ts

Never call Her by any other colloquial names (“honey” or “sweetie”… ewwww!).
Don’t challenge boundaries clearly negotiated with your Mistress for your relationship.
On no occasion assume your Mistress knows what you are thinking or feeling. Duh!
Never raise your voice in anger, TYPE IN ALL CAPS, or try to use coded phrases when trying to communicate with Her. Use your words like you were taught in kindergarten, and use them as an adult.
Making Requests of my Mistress
As the first topic suggests, you often will need to ask something of your Mistress that She is not giving or understanding, either around or during play time. So you already know it is imperative that you make such requests with all the respect your Mistress deserves. And if you are asking for something not previously discussed or negotiated you must be prepared to not have your request granted. Without disappointment, regret, or anger. Ever.
Your Mistress can do one of many things with a request, but they all boil down to either granting or denying the request. If granted, be sure to immediately thank your Mistress. If denied, drop it. Simple.
Remember that if your Mistress is an exceptional one, as you should always strive to find, She will be ten steps ahead of you in your D/s relationships. Dommes that i have met tend to play the “long game” which may have many things granted in the short term and others, while on the menu, are kept at an arm’s length from Her submissive, and still others hard boundaries that are non-negotiable. As an aspiring submissive, you simply must accept Her lead. It’s all about Her anyway, remember?
But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for something outside of your current D/s relationship boundaries or expectations. You just have to accept the reality that it may not get granted.
You also have to think about what impact your request may have on the current state of your relationship. To my earlier point, if a request is denied yet you continue to raise it, know that this may be considered a harassment to which your Mistress may use to terminate your relationship. It’s not an all-or-nothing point, but depending on the request it could be. Again; at best your request will be granted, at worst, it will be denied. Short and sweet.

DO’s

Always respect the boundaries previously negotiated with your Mistress.
Respectfully present requests that potentially push boundaries in a low-stress environment where it can be both objectively evaluated and discussed.
If your request is a “show-stopper” for you, write it down, along with your feelings on the request, how you think it will benefit your Mistress by granting it to you, and how you think it will impact your relationship if your request is denied. Then put it under your pillow and sleep on it, literally. Then tear it up and write it again. Rinse, reapply, repeat. Do this for ten days then see if it is still important enough to re-negotiate.

DON’Ts

Don’t be a dick.
Repeatedly asking for the same thing previously denied by your Mistress is a recipe for dissolving your relationship with Her.
Insisting your Mistress partake in sexual activity outside of negotiated boundaries in the middle of a fully-involved scene that is requiring Her full attention is a recipe for destruction as well as disaster.
Never make a request an ultimatum if you are not willing to deal with the consequences of your action.

Sharing Fantasies with my Mistress

Part and parcel of a D/s relationship with a Mistress is fulfilling frequently deeply closeted, mostly kinky as fuck, often disturbing to most of society fantasies. Even “common” BDSM activities are by definition only imagined by our vanilla brethren. EVERYONE has sexual fantasies at some point in their life if not for all of their life. And your Mistress has heard them all, and likely has heard many you have not. But, putting your deepest fantasies on paper or into a conversation with your Mistress is not something done in most people’s everyday life.
Your Mistress will ask you what your fantasies are and when given that opportunity you must not be shy. If by for some unbelievable happening She doesn’t, then tell Her you want to have the discussion. Accepting and embracing your desires is part of the honest communication i spoke of earlier. And everything should be on the table for negotiation, and negotiation is an integral part of safe, sane, and consensual activity.
Some may have a checklist of fantastic kinks they want to experience or may only be curious about. Some may write erotic fiction describing scenes that they see themselves in with their Mistress. Others may only feel comfortable talking about fantasies face to face. Whatever the delivery mechanism, being able to most fully describe it is part of the open and honest conversation you have regularly with your Domme.
Some of the ways i have tried (other than the checklist and erotic fiction), include things such as i put in the DO’s list below.

DO’s

Sharing images or clips of scenes you find in adult media (porn!) with your commentary can be an effective way to speak that which you cannot find words for.
Jot down short vignettes as they occur, such as upon waking or during those boring work meetings. Then you can either shoot off in email or present to your Miss the next time you see Her
Watch porn with Her and try to be objective and clinical about it; crack jokes about it to make it normal.

DON’Ts

Don’t send Her dick pics unless She has asked you to first.
Never pout when you ask for one thing and get it when you actually wanted something else.
At no time press your Mistress to do anything outside of Her negotiated boundaries. She may push yours, but you pushing Hers is not part of the dynamic.

Having Respectful Conversations with my Mistress

Now that the basic protocols for addressing your Mistress and proper ways to present requests and fantasies to Her have been discussed, the atmosphere and behavior during the resultant conversations also have their own protocol. Many of these items are common sense or typical social conventions, but the must be followed in order to show the utmost respect and resultant consideration from your Mistress. While you may be a sexual deviant, you should not deviate from these points!
To back up, what is “respect” and how does one provide it? It’s easy enough to look up the definition &/or synonyms, and even query the Internet for other’s opinions. The words that stick out to me include esteem, high regard, admiration, deference, and reverence. Some of the ways to commonly show respect are listed below:
Actively Listen: when someone speaks to you give them your full attention
Honor your Word: if you say you will do something then do it; if it can’t be done then communicate it
Be on Time: or, better, be 15 minutes early; show that you value other’s time as much or more than your own
Think of situations in your life where you must interact and communicate with another person who is not your peer. When you were a school child, it could be your teacher or principal. If in the military it would be your Drill Sargent or Company Commander. At work it would be your boss’s boss or, better, the CEO of the company. Or better yet, think of being at the White House and meeting the President of the United States, arguably the most powerful person in the world. Now, thinking of these situations, ask yourself some rhetorical questions:
Do you address them by their given name or and address them as “Sir” or “Madam”?
Would you blurt out questions or wait until a proper time in the conversation arose?
Would you touch them as you spoke or would you stay a socially acceptable distance apart?
Do you use your “indoor voice” when emphasizing a point or do you raise your voice to make your passion on the topic understood?
Are any points you may raise laced with profanity or are you more clear in expressing your thoughts?
Unless you are truly out of touch with reality, when these questions arise you think twice before you act, especially when speaking. And thus you remind yourself of your understood position of power in the relationship and then act accordingly.
Having a Mistress, either in a play situation or in a longer term D/s relationship, requires clear understanding of the poles of power. Power exchange is the core of a fulfilling D/s relationship. Even in play (including pay-for-play), such poles are governed by natural law; by that i mean that if the balance of power is upset then the basis of the relationship is skewed and therefore in danger of being nullified. If the power is neutralized, there is little attraction or energy. But if the power roles are clearly defined, understood, and acted upon then the maximum potential energy is enabled to be drawn upon. In fact, the “stronger” the individuals are in their roles of Dominant and submissive, the greater that potential energy becomes, and the maximum pleasure from the relationship is realized.
Your Mistress is the center of your universe; if She is not then you should find another Mistress. Being an adult you know the concept of respect and need always defer to your Mistress in thought, word, and deed.

DO’s

Think before you speak.
Present a humble attitude when conversing, including proper address, language, tone, and personal space.
Expect to have your relationship terminated if you disrespect your Mistress.

DON’Ts

Never lie, berate, criticize, or in any way disrespect your Mistress.
Don’t even think about touching your Mistress during normal conversation unless you ask first and then are allowed.
At no time raise your voice in anger to your Mistress.
Never interrupt your Mistress while She is speaking.

In Closing

In reading this essay keep in mind the value of your relationship with your Mistress. In my relationship with Miss Ruby i seek to become a better human as a result of being Her submissive man. To that end i offer Her thoughts, words, and deeds on a daily basis to acknowledge that submission. Personally, i find these things natural to do and never a chore; if they are a chore for you i would humbly advise you to consider re-evaluating your desire to be in a D/s relationship with your Mistress. Perhaps you want to become a better submissive yet are challenged by understanding these point; in that case you have much to work on with your Mistress. If you are lucky your Mistress will have the time, patience, and energy to invest in your becoming Her submissive, bringing both She and you greater pleasures from life.
As with any human interaction, the benefits you derive from your relationship with your Mistress are proportional to the energy you put into that relationship.
Best wishes on your journey!