It’s been a while since I did a Cut video! They were nice enough to invite me back to guess who is a virgin. I wanted to make a point of guessing who I thought was going to be the “obvious” choice with the intent of highlighting how cultural biases are often incorrect. I hope you enjoy the video as much as I did when filming it!
I am crazy about Ted Talks. I love the way they make me feel, I love the concept… I just love everything about them. I started watching them when I was in high school and I immediately dug the concept; A place where intelligent folks come together to share beautiful ideas with the world. Fuck. Yes. So I decided to create a list of my favorite Ted Talks, not in any particular order. These are all talks that I have found inspirational, educational, heart warming, surprising, funny or just a good reminder of things I should keep in mind.
The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown
Listening to Shame by Brene Brown
Looks Aren’t Everything. Believe Me, I’m a Model by Cameron Russell
The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer
How to Stop Screwing Yourself by Mel Robbins
How to Speak So That People Want to Listen by Julian Treasure
5 Ways to Listen Better by Julian Treasure
The Price of Shame by Monica Lewinski
How to Spot a Liar by Pamela Meyer
Why Thinking You’re Ugly is Bad for You by Meaghan Ramsey
The World Needs All Kinds of Minds by Temple Grandin
Strange Answers to the Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson
The Voices in My Head by Eleanor Longden
For those of you who know me well, you may have noticed that there are a few places where you can almost always find me; Turns out I’m an agoraphobe so going out into the world is scary for me and I’ve gotten very good at avoiding going out into the world. I recently realized this because it came to my attention that the list of people I interact with face to face is very small and that I haven’t gone out in public with friends in…. An embarrassingly long time. Whoops.
So of course I impulsively decided to go on a road trip to California, classic me.
The last couple of days have been really hard for me because I’ve flat out refused to go outside because according to my brain “there are weird people who make a lot of noise outside. Oh god, are they drinking outside in day light? They are! And they’re playing MUSIC! I can’t possibly go there.” So because I’ve been scared of going outside I haven’t done much which has given me the opportunity to notice that I’m home sick. Awesome.
Tonight I began giving it some real thought while debating where I should travel to next and I realized that I’m not scared of being outside, I’m scared of people. I spent a lot of my adolescence and young adulthood trying to find out where I fit in and I ended up in a lot of really awful social circles, in hopes that I would be accepted there. I believe my thought process was something along the lines of “These people look weird, I act weird, we must be THE SAME!” Unfortunately, I was wrong and I freaked out a lot of people and experienced a lot of really painful rejection.
Becoming a sex worker has allowed me to be myself but it has also allowed me to select the kind of people who can be around me which I feel is starting to do me a disservice; I’m physically very alienated from people and the vast majority of the time I get to stay in my safe little bubble, away from all the people who scare me. While being safe is awesome and being comfortable is wonderful, if I spend too much time in my own little world I will completely lose touch with reality and I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.
I have a proposition for the masses: You suggest a place (any where in the world, if you don’t live there we could meet there) for me to visit and I’ll try to make it happen. When we’re there I want you to show me your favorite place or something you think is unique or special about that place.
Before the end of the year I am making it a goal to visit Las Vegas and New York City so if you’re in either of those places, write me an email telling me why I should visit there and what you want to show me.
If you want to make me come to you, write me an email with the following information in it!
Your Name
The Location (You Want to Visit)
Your Favorite Place or Thing About That Place
Why You Think I Should Visit
Your Favorite Color
Oh and here are some photos I had taken in San Francisco.
If you know me, it’s no secret that I’ve been kinky effectively since I could walk. Previously, I’ve just accepted this as my reality and left it at that but recently I’ve begun thinking about my influences and how they shaped who I am and what I like. Today I’m going to share a few of my influences and what I liked about them.
Have you watched Golden Eye? It was my favorite movie for years, starting with the first time I ever watched it when I was probably 4 or 5. I’m not sure why my parents even let me watch James Bond movies but they did and I was enthralled. I didn’t really give a shit about the violence in fact I barely noticed it, what I did notice was Xenia Onatopp killing people with her thighs and Natalya Simonova’s super sexy accent. In fact I liked Xenia so much that I used to put other kids in scissor grips with my legs because I thought it was awesome to have that much control over someone. (Several of my middle school friends will attest to this.) I believe I also begged my mom to let me take a Russian class almost immediately after I saw Golden Eye.
Strangely enough, the connection between my obsession with scissor grips/breath control and sexual excitement only recently surfaced for me. I have no idea why it took so long for me to become aware of it because it’s extremely obvious now.
I think it was the display of power that I was so attracted to; Xenia lures men into a place where they think they’re safe and in control (typically, they would be right as men are often the dominant players in sexual interactions) and then she absolutely turns the tables on them when not only are they least expecting it but they’ve let their guard down. I love the trickery and seduction that is put into such an interaction and I love that she gets off on it even more. In retrospect, I think what really stood out to me about Xenia was that she was a woman; Previously I had only seen men get off on taking control and power.
Okay so, Xena is really campy, I’ll admit that. However, that doesn’t make Xena any less powerful in her world; She kicks ass with reckless abandon, travels on her own, saves men and women from bad guys and seduces men to get what she wants. (Obviously, there is going to be a theme of women using their sexuality to control men here and that says a lot about me.) GO AHEAD, tell me that isn’t empowering?! Sure, she’s a sex object but she chooses to be a sex object because wearing leather is badass and being sexy while you kill demons is fucking cool. I think she only gets saved by a man once or twice and then she almost immediately turns the tables and saves them from an even worse fate. I’m sure I could find many flaws in Xena and probably rip her power to shreds but when I first saw her, that was not what I was thinking about. Honestly, I was too busy being in awe of her kicking ass and taking names in a metal push up bra at the tender age of 6.
This one is a little obscure, so I’ll explain who Birdy is.
Birdy the Mighty is an anime about a spandex clad alien super heroine federal space officer from outer space who accidentally kills a teenage boy and then is forced to share a body with him. (And let the lulz ensue.) The show follows Birdy fighting crime (aka fucked up aliens) and protecting the boy in many instances (some of which she’s naked in) and teaching the boy to be a better person. Although I’m pretty sure after the first two episodes it gets really shitty and awful… Those are absolutely not part of my scope of memory though as I didn’t discover them until about a year ago.
So anyways, Birdy is another powerful female character (at least she was in the first couple of episodes) who is oozing sexuality. Although she doesn’t really directly use it in the show, it’s more of a tool to draw in the viewer.
I wish I could remember the name of the artist of the crazy furry porn my best friend and I found on Neopets when we were 10 or 11. Unfortunately, I haven’t really looked at it since then and the only things I remember were that the artist always drew wolves and she called her boyfriend “Dirtbag” and often drew him all tied up and tortured.
Quite honestly, half wolf half people tied up and experiencing CBT blew me the fuck away when I was 10. (Not that I knew any 10 year olds who wouldn’t be blown away by it…) Really though, the weird part was just that they were wolves. No, seriously. Something about the BDSM elements just clicked with me; I remember thinking “Well of course he’s tied up. That’s what you do to boys when they’re bad and messing with their penises.” Boy oh boy what the fuck does that say about me? I’m not sure I want to know..
First and foremost, I’m fucking weird.
I think I must have found bondage pictures some where when I was a kid because I was forever trying to figure out how to tie up a Barbie with a hog tie (it’s really hard, guys) and when I finally became aware that BDSM was a thing people did, I already knew two and single column ties as well as diamond harnesses and chest harnesses. I’m confident that my preoccupation with power and control is largely influenced by the media I’ve talked about in this post but there’s some information that I just really have no idea where it came from. What I do know is that my biggest fetish is absolutely power exchange and everything that I’m interested in seems to become vastly more interesting when I realize that there’s a power element. Given the influences that I have, that absolutely makes sense.
So I guess the moral of the story is if you don’t want your children to grow up to be kinksters, don’t let them look at BDSM furry porn on the internet. Or Animal Planet, that was bad for me too.
You might think I’m thick for stating this but I’ll do it anyways; Quality really is worth it.
Unfortunately, quality is not cut and dry; Some expensive things suck and some cheap things are awesome.
The “Deluxe” cuffs I bought in my youth when I was tormenting a boyfriend, unfortunately… They were crap. I spent a little chunk of change on them and I only used them once or twice because they didn’t feel good, they weren’t fun to use and they weren’t really that versatile.
The thumb cuffs on the other hand… I use whenever I have a chance; They just rock. They’re simple but sturdy, versatile and I connect with them. That’s really my point with this whole post- Good toys are toys you connect with. If it feels like you have to fight the toy to use it, it’s not a good toy for you.
The bold statement above became really apparent to me over the weekend when I was comparing my single tail to my partner’s- Mine is made from inexpensive leather, has thick strands, is probably only 8 plait and packs a whollup to my arm when I use it on someone. I knew I had to fight that whip to use it and that was part of the fun with it; If I wanted to beat someone, I had to really put some effort into it. Sadly though, I don’t actually like this whip very much. It doesn’t like to be accurate, it doesn’t bend much and it feels like it almost gets stuck in particular configurations. All of this wasn’t really that apparent to me until I used my partner’s 20 plait signal whip…
I don’t often feel like I should just shell out half a grand for a new toy, especially not one I already have an inferior version of. Sure, it would be nicer, easier to use, probably meaner and I’m sure it will make me dinner too but meh. Don’t spend money if you don’t need to, right?
Fuck me, though. This whip is incredible.
The craftsmanship alone makes it like a piece of goddamn art; It has tiny leather strips that wind back and forth, crisscrossing and locking together to make a solid column of dead animal parts designed solely for the purpose of inflicting pain. Every inch of it curls and unfurls gently as I run it through my fingers… It feels soft but solid to the touch and unlike anything I’ve touched before. It’s just some how… Different and that intrigues me. It’s innocent yet so devious- Some qualities I share with it.
Lifting it to strike feels like an effortlessly fluid motion and the follow through of throwing it out in a clean strike continues that trend. It feels like the leather is now a part of me; Each strike lands exactly where I want it to and with exactly the correct amount of force. This toy and I are dancing together across the ass of my bottom and it’s beautiful, we’re creating a piece of art together and there’s nothing that prevents it from obeying me exactly. Goddamn. This is how this relationship is supposed to be, isn’t it?