Archive For The “It Makes Me Smile to Know This” Category
I am crazy about Ted Talks. I love the way they make me feel, I love the concept… I just love everything about them. I started watching them when I was in high school and I immediately dug the concept; A place where intelligent folks come together to share beautiful ideas with the world. Fuck. Yes. So I decided to create a list of my favorite Ted Talks, not in any particular order. These are all talks that I have found inspirational, educational, heart warming, surprising, funny or just a good reminder of things I should keep in mind.
The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown
Listening to Shame by Brene Brown
Looks Aren’t Everything. Believe Me, I’m a Model by Cameron Russell
The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer
How to Stop Screwing Yourself by Mel Robbins
How to Speak So That People Want to Listen by Julian Treasure
5 Ways to Listen Better by Julian Treasure
The Price of Shame by Monica Lewinski
How to Spot a Liar by Pamela Meyer
Why Thinking You’re Ugly is Bad for You by Meaghan Ramsey
The World Needs All Kinds of Minds by Temple Grandin
Strange Answers to the Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson
The Voices in My Head by Eleanor Longden
As some of you may have noticed, I have added a bunch of new photos to my website and social media! Thanks to the wonderful Chris Blakeley, I have a gorgeous, high drama photo set for you all to perv on.
I have also added and made changes to my duo partners list by adding photos, descriptions and new folks!
As far as my personal life I am currently dealing with tax season (which is more annoying and time consuming than anything but at the end of the day, supporting my fellow humans is important to me) and I have a new relationship with a lovely little lady from Canada who will hopefully be spending the summer with me to apprentice under me and make horrible videos.
Let’s be fucking honest here, who doesn’t want to watch me hit that?
Maybe if you’re a good boy I’ll let you clean up afterwards. 😉
Just now I looked in my fridge to find nothing but fancy noshes and fancy booze which led me to have the strangest “this is my life” moment I think I’ve ever experienced… Upon discovering that I didn’t really have any real food, I thought about the not so inexpensive purchases I had just made in the name of making my space feel more comfortable and I panicked. I literally panicked because I couldn’t see anything really wrong in the direction that my life appears to be going in; I’ve found my rhythm, a good routine, things I love doing and I’m not freaking out about having spent a couple hundred bucks. I feel like I should be flipping my shit right now because in the past when I wasn’t freaking out, I was missing something big and important. Sure, there are things that I’m worried about (having screwed up my taxes, sorting out bills, old family IRS debt…) but I’ve done a pretty good job of not having massive panic attacks recently so I guess I was anxious about not being anxious? The fuck… Okay brain, thanks.
So why anxiety? In the past I thought anxiety was like a convenient motivating force but now I see it as a damaging but comfortable pattern of thinking. It’s always there, looming… So it’s comfortable to lean on because it’s reliable and a constant force, although very damaging. When I was in its grasp I didn’t see how damaging it was to me and I’m sure I’ll likely forget how good it feels to live without panic and I’ll have to remind myself again because that’s how I am. Hell, the tattoo on my chest is a fucking reminder (Memento style) to not be so anxious and I STILL manage to forget. what pushed me over the edge this time was thinking about buying new bedding and thinking about how much I hated my room and wanted a change. I was nervous about spending the money because “What if something bad happens?” Then I realized that I didn’t do a lot of things for that reason and that waiting for bad things to happen means that I would be missing all of the good things that life has to offer. So I thought “Fuck that!” and promptly bought the expensive bed spread and started completely re-decorating. Which has now involved a complete re-arrange of furniture, painting, re-doing the cabinets and a purchase of throw pillows, a head board, curtains and a fucking chandelier because I fucking could. Do I regret it? Meh, not yet. Am I excited about it and energized by the idea of making my space more awesome? FUCK YES I AM!!!
If being overjoyed about my house and inspired to do a bunch of projects costs the price of a new bed spread, pillows, sheets, a headboard, some wood stain, cabinet pulls and a chandelier then I’m fine with that. Worse things have definitely happened.
For those of you who know me well, you may have noticed that there are a few places where you can almost always find me; Turns out I’m an agoraphobe so going out into the world is scary for me and I’ve gotten very good at avoiding going out into the world. I recently realized this because it came to my attention that the list of people I interact with face to face is very small and that I haven’t gone out in public with friends in…. An embarrassingly long time. Whoops.
So of course I impulsively decided to go on a road trip to California, classic me.
The last couple of days have been really hard for me because I’ve flat out refused to go outside because according to my brain “there are weird people who make a lot of noise outside. Oh god, are they drinking outside in day light? They are! And they’re playing MUSIC! I can’t possibly go there.” So because I’ve been scared of going outside I haven’t done much which has given me the opportunity to notice that I’m home sick. Awesome.
Tonight I began giving it some real thought while debating where I should travel to next and I realized that I’m not scared of being outside, I’m scared of people. I spent a lot of my adolescence and young adulthood trying to find out where I fit in and I ended up in a lot of really awful social circles, in hopes that I would be accepted there. I believe my thought process was something along the lines of “These people look weird, I act weird, we must be THE SAME!” Unfortunately, I was wrong and I freaked out a lot of people and experienced a lot of really painful rejection.
Becoming a sex worker has allowed me to be myself but it has also allowed me to select the kind of people who can be around me which I feel is starting to do me a disservice; I’m physically very alienated from people and the vast majority of the time I get to stay in my safe little bubble, away from all the people who scare me. While being safe is awesome and being comfortable is wonderful, if I spend too much time in my own little world I will completely lose touch with reality and I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.
I have a proposition for the masses: You suggest a place (any where in the world, if you don’t live there we could meet there) for me to visit and I’ll try to make it happen. When we’re there I want you to show me your favorite place or something you think is unique or special about that place.
Before the end of the year I am making it a goal to visit Las Vegas and New York City so if you’re in either of those places, write me an email telling me why I should visit there and what you want to show me.
If you want to make me come to you, write me an email with the following information in it!
Your Name
The Location (You Want to Visit)
Your Favorite Place or Thing About That Place
Why You Think I Should Visit
Your Favorite Color
Oh and here are some photos I had taken in San Francisco.
In 36 hours I’ll be heading home, it’s been a long week. I don’t think I’ve been away from home for this long since I was a kid and I definitely didn’t experience as much then as I did this week; It’s been a week of stress, pain, discovery, wonder, fear, anxiety, excitement, elation, connection and now tears as I write this. I’m not upset, at least I don’t think I am. It mostly feels like I’m over whelmed by everything that has happened and how that has shaped my view of the world, myself and what I want my life to look like.
Boy oh boy, I learned a lot about my friends this week.
The event that stood out the most to me was meeting a couple I see for dinner and getting to connect with the female part of the equation, one on one. She told me that she met her partner through being a high class escort and then asked him to set me up with one of his friends so that he could take care of me. I’ve often thought about exploring that world further but at this point in my life it would mean giving up the security, stability, comfort and understanding I have in my life in hope of finding something better. I had never put a price tag on my life as it is until this week and I realized how much my life is worth to me, as it is. Generally speaking, I’m not a big fan of things that can be described as “stable” or “consistent” because I myself can’t really be described that way and in many scenarios it cramps my style but this is different.
The man I was talking about earlier said something that really stood out to me through the blur of a night of expensive booze, expensive cars, expensive hotels and debauchery: “There is so little magic left in the world. You two are special to me because you show me that magic still exists.” The meaning behind those words hit me hard and started a chain reaction that has caused me to view myself in a different light.
When I was a little girl, my favorite thing in the world was unicorns. To me unicorns are mystical, wise, playful, graceful in life, vulnerable but powerful and they have this uncanny ability to make things work out for them in the best possible way. Unicorns have the ability to heal others, change lives forever and for the better and accomplish astonishingly incredible feats. However, in all the stories I used to read about unicorns when I was a girl there was an unlikely hero or heroine who helped the unicorn overcome any challenges she faced by providing her with simple, practical forms of help. The hero can do things that the unicorn can’t like carry objects and interact normally with other humans but it is a very unlikely pairing because the two seem so incredibly different.
I feel like most little girls are taught to search for a prince and through that, they view themselves as princesses but that’s not me; I’m a unicorn. I don’t need a hero but it certainly makes life a lot easier and less lonesome.
I realize this is awkward for everyone involved, especially since I’m poly and morally against cheating but I have some things to say; Your husband/boyfriend/lover/whatever saw me, I don’t know if he told you but I’m sorry if he didn’t. It’s not my intention to steal him from you, to ruin your relationship, to hurt you, to hurt him or otherwise cause you harm. Honestly, it’s kind of up to him if he’s going to cheat but I understand if you hate me for it and I respect that; You have a right to be angry. I hope that my words can bring you some comfort.
As I said before, I have no wish to cause any harm to your life or the life of your partner. In fact, I consider it part of my job to make sure that he gets out unscathed emotionally, physically, psychologically, socially and in any other way I can think of. In my mind, I’m a safe outlet for his desires; With me he can explore the depths of his mind and still come back to you and your children (if you have them.) When he sees me he doesn’t have to worry about how it will affect his long-term relationship with you or whether his boss will find out, he just gets to explore and then go back to his every day life as if nothing had happened. Believe me, it’s in my best interest to make sure he leaves in the same condition in which he arrived. This means I will be everything in my power to not give him any sort of disease or infection (I did not fuck your partner and everything he touched was sanitized before and after), nor any permanent marks.
I know it’s hard to wrap your head around the idea that he might seek someone for depraved activities and it might seem unnatural but everyone has dark desires some where in their head and neglecting/avoiding them isn’t healthy. Really, seeing me is probably the best option; He’s not emotionally involved with me, I’m not going to tell other people about him, I’m going to make sure he’s safe and I respect your relationship. I hope you can understand that once you get past the anger.
I guess what I’m saying here is that when your husband/boyfriend/lover/partner/dad/son/brother enters my dungeon, I am pledging to keep him safe and to make sure his life stays intact after he leaves my space.
Over the last few years, several people have told me that I should write a book and I’ve often entertained the idea but I haven’t really committed to it until now. I guess the hard part for me has been figuring out what story I want to tell but I some how managed to nail that down in one sentence that I wrote in a text to my partner when I was really upset about feeling like I couldn’t do something. In that, I found that I do have a story rolling around inside my head and it feels like it would be therapeutic to share it with the world. That being said, I’ll be surprised if I get it finished any time soon and I’ll be even more surprised if I ever really get it published and that’s okay.
Here is the opening, completely unedited.
There is a strange kind of power that comes with putting on the right pair of boots. For me, it meant that I could take on the world; No challenge was too great, no obstacle was too difficult, nothing was impossible in the right pair of boots. It seems like every challenge I’ve faced was either because I forgot the power of the boots or because I started to doubt my own abilities, both of which could have been easily solved by putting on my damn boots. I mean this both literally and figuratively.
The first time I tasted power, I was probably about four years old and I remember that moment very clearly. I had heard a scream and I rushed down the stairs to my basement wherein I found my father dragging my dazed mother across the ground by her ankles into his office. My mother shouted at me to get help and my father looked up with a sneer on his face. Then our eyes met and that look of triumph and sadistic glee melted into a cold look of shame, guilt and then pure terror. It was like he had finally been beaten at his own game and very soon the power dynamic was to shift; The hunter became the hunted. He froze and then he bolted, forever leaving the impression on me that all you had to do to completely alter a hopeless situation was to shift the power dynamic when given the opportunity.
Upon request one of my lovely submissives, P. wrote this for me to surmise his experience with me.
I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of reading about the wonderful experiences that I’ve helped create for other people. Knowing that I can make someone’s day, week, month, year or even lifetime is immensely flattering, enthralling and inspiring; It truly makes me feel like I’m making the world a little bit brighter, in my own weird way.
“I just want to say a little something about Ruby.
I have never seen a “pro” before so she was my first experience there, and as we all know, first impressions are important. I admit I was a bit hesitant, with all that we hear nowadays about being set-up, ripped off, or worse in such circumstances, I was very cautious and a bit edgy.
We met at a casual public place and walked to her place of business.
Ruby soon made me feel at ease. She is not only very sexy, she is very real and very accommodating. We chatted a bit more so she could learn more about what I desired and my limitations. Although I was still feeling a bit self conscience of the large age difference between us, she never gave any indication that she was nothing but pleased to fulfill my fantasy scene.
That being said, once our session began, I was in pure bliss. I won’t get into details, but I’m a pretty kinky dude, and she filled and fulfilled my desires as well as humanly possible. It was the best hour and a half of my life, and the quickest! (note to self, next session must be at least 2 hours or more).
When our official time came to a close, Ruby was so gracious, she made no effort to push me out the door, in fact we sat on the floor and talked at length. At this point I was VERY comfortable with her. If you’re old like me, and a Beatles fan like me, think Norwegian wood.
By now I was actually starting to feel like I was imposing, staying longer than I should. But Ruby is one that is so pleasant to be around, its easy to forget that she is a “provider”, and think of her as a friend.
I envy those who get to spend time with Ruby on a daily basis, she is smart, sexy, beautiful and a genuinely fun person to be around. My only regret is that my time with her is so limited. In short, Ruby can be your dream cum true, if your willing to let her.
P.”
Here are several more paragraphs from the Lucky Boy about his experiences in chastity, getting a reward, disappointing me and my response to the disappointment. Enjoy!
Miss Ruby took me to her space, tied me and blindfolded me. Now, I had been told not to wear my chastity cage that night so, there I was blindfolded, pants around my legs and my cock hard, dripping and aching for Miss Ruby. I had no idea what would come next and her mastery at being in charge only fueled my sexual desires even more. Miss Ruby invaded my ass, stroked my cock, clamped my nipples and took complete control over my willing body. I wasn’t allowed to cum and she brought me closer and closer to the edge and then back again. I had such a desire to cum but my desire to be good overcame it. Then she gave me permission to and I couldn’t. I wanted to so bad, I was right there on the edge and I tried and tried and Miss Ruby was being so good to me and giving me everything and more than I should have needed to cum but I just wouldn’t. It was like this frustrating combination of all my insecurities and having not cum in almost three weeks and I never came. After we were done and I was left frustrated, feeling like I had been a disappointment, Miss Ruby informed me that I was not allowed to cum and she also gave me some new chastity rules.
Whether or not I had truly been a disappointment that night, only Miss Ruby knows. However, what undeniably was a disappointment was me, the following morning. Not only did I break the chastity rule while shortcutting but, while doing so I also broke the rule of not being allowed to cum. I was so frustrated with having not cum and still so heated with my desires for Miss Ruby that I took from her what was hers, what I had voluntarily given up control of. It was one of the worst orgasms I’ve ever had. It was painful and I felt like such a disappointment during and after. I felt pathetic. I chastised myself and argued with myself all morning between telling Miss Ruby and not telling her. I knew that I had to be honest so I sent her a text telling her what had happened. I waited and waited and since having met her I had the worst day at work. I was close to tears throughout that day. I mean, she had taken such good care of me the night before and I ruined it all with one little selfish action. I just knew that she would be angry and feared she wouldn’t even want to have anything to do with this pathetic submissive who was untrustworthy. She did forgive me but, she was worried and rightfully so. I was relieved that she forgave me and I got to go and see her again that evening.
We spent that evening visiting and discussing what I had done. I couldn’t even look at her unashamedly for the longest time and she could definitely tell. Miss Ruby seems to be able to peer into my soul and see exactly what I need, deserve, what I desire and if not, she certainly knows how to get it out of me. That evening I had the sincere pleasure of staying the night. It felt absolutely amazing sleeping next to her. Miss Ruby’s body not only looks perfect but it also feels perfect. Her soft skin, soothing voice and her touch, oh that touch, are all so amazingly delightful to be curled up next to. I got to lay there with my head on her chest for quite some time, listening to her heartbeat as it lulled me off to sleep. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in quite some time and even though I only got a few hours I felt rejuvenated. I was the happiest boy at work the following day and people couldn’t figure out what was going on with me. I was goofy and playful and probably the most positive that I’d been in quite some time. Miss Ruby had forgiven me, I did have a punishment coming, but her forgiveness and her desire to still want to see me and not give up on me meant so much to me. I have this fear in relationships that I’m going to be tossed to the side, be given up on, or just suddenly and without warning cut off. It’s happened to me in the past and it frightens me to the point to where I pretty much just expect it. I’ve avoided some potentially meaningful relationships in the past or ended some because of this fear. I hate having that fear but, I have this trust, feeling or, whatever you want to call it that Miss Ruby’s not going to give up. She seems to want me to serve her, to be a good boy for her and I have every intention to do my best for her.
I got to stay with her the following night as well and spent most of the next day by her side too. We slept in together, she held me, she teased me and, she made me feel safe. I enjoyed every moment with Miss Ruby. We worked on a project together and I got to see a really fun and funny side to her. There was barely a moment where we weren’t either laughing, touching or just simply enjoying each other’s company. All of the kink aside, it’s a real treat to be around someone you can have that kind of a connection with. She makes me feel not only like a good submissive but also like a special person who’s worth her time to be around and who is adding something to her life. I don’t ever want to take away from Miss Ruby. I hope that I can be just as good to her as she’s been to me.
As for everything else, I’ve offered to take pain for Miss Ruby. I’ve always felt that BDSM was a two way street. There is a reason why Dom’s are Dom’s and sub’s are sub’s. I want to take her pain, I want to be her good boy, her whore, trustworthy boy, friend, submissive – whatever she needs. What I don’t ever want to be and what I will put every effort into; is to never be a disappointment again.
The following is a write up I asked of one of my long distance submissives. This write up is about what his idea of the perfect dominant/submissive looks like and what submission means for him.
I have always thought of submission as the ultimate gift to a Dominant partner. The biggest fear is that the Dominant will not view this gift to be as special as the person giving it. I think it’s very important to be treated well as a sub. If I feel special to a Dominant I will move mountains for them. I also think it is up to the sub to relinquish all control to the Dominant with trust they are making decisions in your best interest whether you agree with them or not. If these two parts are present in a relationship the sky is the limit. In my own situation I finally feel I have someone I trust enough to give my gift of submission to. She makes me want to be a better person, a better husband, and a better father. I love to do everything she ask and more because I know it makes her feel special. The things I would like to do in the future are encourage her to take more and more control. The more she controls me the more I know how much I mean to her. The great thing is she praises me doing things well which is as good as foreplay to my submissive nature. I would like for here to chastise me at some point not because I need it for temptations of other women but as a way to remind me constantly who owns my heart, body, and soul. Also maybe some day we could use spanking as a way to establish a corrective action. Sexually she dominates me already by initiating sex which I totally am into. I think I am very close to where I want to be but the chastity and spanking would be such a great addition to our relationship. Some of my friends say I am pussywhipped and I say YES I am end of conversation. I have no problem admitting that she wears the pants in the relationship. Most men do not understand that it is a privilege to be pussywhipped. This means someone cares enough about you to invest time into your development into a better person. To me dominance means love. Dominance is a tool to shape you what they want you to become. If you trust that person enough they will improve you. I cant explain enough what a gift I have received from Miss Ruby to be able to talk about my desires and how to make them happen. Her guidance and firm hand have paved the way to happiness for me. I hope she realizes how treasured my time with her is. She is the best marriage councilor in the world. I cannot wait to achieve new levels of submission to my wife with her help. YES I am pussywhipped and love it!