D/s

Proper Communication Protocol with Your Mistress

A submissive’s thoughts on proper protocol

Introduction to Communicating with my Mistress

Mistress Ruby gave me the assignment to write to Her some about how to address your Mistress properly, make requests, share fantasies, and have respectful conversation. Also, i am to include a breakdown of dos’ and don’ts for each topic. She instructed me to have no limit on length, deliver it to Her by the end of the week, and to write it from my standpoint.
A few initial thoughts about the assignment immediately ran through my head. First was gratitude, since this is the first writing assignment my Mistress has given me in a long while. Because i strive to be the perfect submissive, and as my Mistress brought me into the BDSM lifestyle from 30 years of monogamous vanilla hetero relationships, during the first months we were together i processed nearly every encounter we had by writing essays which i shared with Her. Mostly, these were written as if i were writing a letter to her, but in reality they were attempts to hear myself say the things i wanted to say so that i could sort my fantasies from my realities. Frankly, i wouldn’t be surprised if that was somewhat off-putting for Her, but She was very patient with me and when She had comments they came as constructive criticism, encouragement, and appreciation that i took our relationship seriously enough to write my thoughts down.
Second, and i will address this more completely below, i immediately sent back to Her both confirmation that i understood the request as well as a request to get more information about Her expected length, perspective, and due date. While i tend to over communicate, i think my Mistress understands my desire to meet Her expectations and that i often need some specific information to do so.
Finally, i get a great deal of pleasure from my Mistress giving me specific instruction, be it in Her dungeon, around the house, or with other types of requests She makes of me. Within our D/s relationship, admittedly the physical and psychological facets of BDSM were compelling at first, but i have found that pleasing my Mistress in any way possible brings me the greatest joy. It is my mission to try to make Her life not just more comfortable but more fulfilling every day. She is my Goddess and She makes me want to be a better human, seeking self-actualization every moment of my life as a goal.
With that introduction, i MUST now actually get to the assignment!
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Addressing my Mistress Properly

As my Mistress’ submissive male i have learned the value of communication, both oral and written. In all of my direct interactions with Her i always use the honorific of “Miss” or “Mistress” when addressing Her directly. By doing so i intend to indicate to not only my respect for Her, but also my submission and deference to Her above all others. When speaking with Her i attempt to not interrupt other activities She may be doing and then wait for acknowledgement to go forward with whatever i need to say. Moreover i take the responsibility of being understood by Her to ensure my comments are not miscommunicated.
You will notice that i capitalize all feminine pronouns referring to my Mistress, as well as using lowercase when referring to myself in writing. This is not a requirement of me by my Mistress, but instead is one of many overt indications of my submissiveness that i adopted early on in my writings to Her.
But i have it easy because my Mistress is very special in that She makes all of Her expectations of me very clear. Miss Ruby Enraylls is a well-respected Pro-Domme with a broad public and professional presence in the Seattle Kink, BDSM, and professional sex work communities. As part of Her professional self, She maintains marketing ads on several adult services websites. Before ever communicating with Her, i read EVERYTHING i could find. Upon reading Her ads, they funneled me to Her website, www.rubylovesyou.com, which i read completely (many times in fact) before ever communicating with Her. On Her site She clearly explains in complete detail all aspects of Her professional practice including introductory information, specifics about the services She offers, some personal details, photos and links to videos, a calendar of Her availability, and contact information for booking appointments. What really helped me was Her FAQ and Her “Sessions” page, where She details how to schedule an appointment, what to expect from Her, Do’s and Don’ts, Dungeon Rules, and a note about “When We Meet.”
Having read through Her site several times before actually reaching out to Her, one small sentence jumped out at me from the “What you can expect from me” section of the aforementioned “Sessions” page:
To me respect means that when you address me you call me as “Miss”, “Miss Ruby”, or “Mistress” … and that you’ll respect my limits and not attempt to push our relationship further than i define it.
All of Her writing on Her site is informative and from Her heart, but this simple phrase spoke to my core about how to respect Her as a person, not “just” a service provider or a Mistress. As a submissive male to my core who had never acknowledged my need for female domination in my intimate relationships, this statement made clear to me how to fully respect this amazing woman. While this prescriptive address for a Dominatrix is socially normative even in vanilla culture outside of the Kink/BDSM lifestyle, Her not having taken this detail for granted spoke volumes to me about Her desire to communicate with Her clientele, not simply act out a role. Miss Ruby, while providing “scenes” negotiated with Her clients based upon their fantasies and discussed before each session, does not participate in such scenes within a context of an actress fulfilling a role. Instead, She provides Her clients the very real experience of Her deep sensual Dominant self to fulfill their submissive fantasies. She is a Dominatrix, She doesn’t play one.
Whilst our relationship has matured from our initial professional/client association, “high protocol” as described in many books on BDSM has never been part of our D/s dynamic. Regardless, this simple requirement put forward in Her expectations sets the tone of a conversation on any topic from the submissive. It not only reflects acknowledgement of respect but also overtly enables the beginning of power exchange that is core to the D/s experience.
To this day i do not believe i have ever addressed Miss Ruby any other way, sometimes to a fault. In fact, i find it difficult to refer to Her any other way, even in polite conversation not in Her presence. Just this week in fact i started training myself to “swallow” the “Miss” honorific in daily discussions with others so that i can refer to Her by name. Similarly i find it difficult to use Her public name in social situations with our circle of friends.

DO’s

Use “Miss” or “Mistress” either alone or preceding Her name whenever addressing Her directly. Other variations allowed with negotiation may include “Goddess”, “Lady”, “Master”, “Madam”, or any other honorific pleases your Mistress.
Apply this rule without exception to the context; whether it be in Her dungeon during play, in Her den before or after sessions, or in public if She has graced you with Her presence. Also it is used whether in spoken or written communication (including texting).
Always speak direct and clearly. Leave no wiggle room if making a request. While quite empathic, that does not mean She knows your thoughts until you voice them.
Ensure that you have Her attention before trying to speak, especially if you are talking to something you expect Her to take to heart.
Be open and honest with both yourself and your Mistress; remember the power of words not just to be understood, but also to represent inner feelings and beliefs.

DON’Ts

Never call Her by any other colloquial names (“honey” or “sweetie”… ewwww!).
Don’t challenge boundaries clearly negotiated with your Mistress for your relationship.
On no occasion assume your Mistress knows what you are thinking or feeling. Duh!
Never raise your voice in anger, TYPE IN ALL CAPS, or try to use coded phrases when trying to communicate with Her. Use your words like you were taught in kindergarten, and use them as an adult.
Making Requests of my Mistress
As the first topic suggests, you often will need to ask something of your Mistress that She is not giving or understanding, either around or during play time. So you already know it is imperative that you make such requests with all the respect your Mistress deserves. And if you are asking for something not previously discussed or negotiated you must be prepared to not have your request granted. Without disappointment, regret, or anger. Ever.
Your Mistress can do one of many things with a request, but they all boil down to either granting or denying the request. If granted, be sure to immediately thank your Mistress. If denied, drop it. Simple.
Remember that if your Mistress is an exceptional one, as you should always strive to find, She will be ten steps ahead of you in your D/s relationships. Dommes that i have met tend to play the “long game” which may have many things granted in the short term and others, while on the menu, are kept at an arm’s length from Her submissive, and still others hard boundaries that are non-negotiable. As an aspiring submissive, you simply must accept Her lead. It’s all about Her anyway, remember?
But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for something outside of your current D/s relationship boundaries or expectations. You just have to accept the reality that it may not get granted.
You also have to think about what impact your request may have on the current state of your relationship. To my earlier point, if a request is denied yet you continue to raise it, know that this may be considered a harassment to which your Mistress may use to terminate your relationship. It’s not an all-or-nothing point, but depending on the request it could be. Again; at best your request will be granted, at worst, it will be denied. Short and sweet.

DO’s

Always respect the boundaries previously negotiated with your Mistress.
Respectfully present requests that potentially push boundaries in a low-stress environment where it can be both objectively evaluated and discussed.
If your request is a “show-stopper” for you, write it down, along with your feelings on the request, how you think it will benefit your Mistress by granting it to you, and how you think it will impact your relationship if your request is denied. Then put it under your pillow and sleep on it, literally. Then tear it up and write it again. Rinse, reapply, repeat. Do this for ten days then see if it is still important enough to re-negotiate.

DON’Ts

Don’t be a dick.
Repeatedly asking for the same thing previously denied by your Mistress is a recipe for dissolving your relationship with Her.
Insisting your Mistress partake in sexual activity outside of negotiated boundaries in the middle of a fully-involved scene that is requiring Her full attention is a recipe for destruction as well as disaster.
Never make a request an ultimatum if you are not willing to deal with the consequences of your action.

Sharing Fantasies with my Mistress

Part and parcel of a D/s relationship with a Mistress is fulfilling frequently deeply closeted, mostly kinky as fuck, often disturbing to most of society fantasies. Even “common” BDSM activities are by definition only imagined by our vanilla brethren. EVERYONE has sexual fantasies at some point in their life if not for all of their life. And your Mistress has heard them all, and likely has heard many you have not. But, putting your deepest fantasies on paper or into a conversation with your Mistress is not something done in most people’s everyday life.
Your Mistress will ask you what your fantasies are and when given that opportunity you must not be shy. If by for some unbelievable happening She doesn’t, then tell Her you want to have the discussion. Accepting and embracing your desires is part of the honest communication i spoke of earlier. And everything should be on the table for negotiation, and negotiation is an integral part of safe, sane, and consensual activity.
Some may have a checklist of fantastic kinks they want to experience or may only be curious about. Some may write erotic fiction describing scenes that they see themselves in with their Mistress. Others may only feel comfortable talking about fantasies face to face. Whatever the delivery mechanism, being able to most fully describe it is part of the open and honest conversation you have regularly with your Domme.
Some of the ways i have tried (other than the checklist and erotic fiction), include things such as i put in the DO’s list below.

DO’s

Sharing images or clips of scenes you find in adult media (porn!) with your commentary can be an effective way to speak that which you cannot find words for.
Jot down short vignettes as they occur, such as upon waking or during those boring work meetings. Then you can either shoot off in email or present to your Miss the next time you see Her
Watch porn with Her and try to be objective and clinical about it; crack jokes about it to make it normal.

DON’Ts

Don’t send Her dick pics unless She has asked you to first.
Never pout when you ask for one thing and get it when you actually wanted something else.
At no time press your Mistress to do anything outside of Her negotiated boundaries. She may push yours, but you pushing Hers is not part of the dynamic.

Having Respectful Conversations with my Mistress

Now that the basic protocols for addressing your Mistress and proper ways to present requests and fantasies to Her have been discussed, the atmosphere and behavior during the resultant conversations also have their own protocol. Many of these items are common sense or typical social conventions, but the must be followed in order to show the utmost respect and resultant consideration from your Mistress. While you may be a sexual deviant, you should not deviate from these points!
To back up, what is “respect” and how does one provide it? It’s easy enough to look up the definition &/or synonyms, and even query the Internet for other’s opinions. The words that stick out to me include esteem, high regard, admiration, deference, and reverence. Some of the ways to commonly show respect are listed below:
Actively Listen: when someone speaks to you give them your full attention
Honor your Word: if you say you will do something then do it; if it can’t be done then communicate it
Be on Time: or, better, be 15 minutes early; show that you value other’s time as much or more than your own
Think of situations in your life where you must interact and communicate with another person who is not your peer. When you were a school child, it could be your teacher or principal. If in the military it would be your Drill Sargent or Company Commander. At work it would be your boss’s boss or, better, the CEO of the company. Or better yet, think of being at the White House and meeting the President of the United States, arguably the most powerful person in the world. Now, thinking of these situations, ask yourself some rhetorical questions:
Do you address them by their given name or and address them as “Sir” or “Madam”?
Would you blurt out questions or wait until a proper time in the conversation arose?
Would you touch them as you spoke or would you stay a socially acceptable distance apart?
Do you use your “indoor voice” when emphasizing a point or do you raise your voice to make your passion on the topic understood?
Are any points you may raise laced with profanity or are you more clear in expressing your thoughts?
Unless you are truly out of touch with reality, when these questions arise you think twice before you act, especially when speaking. And thus you remind yourself of your understood position of power in the relationship and then act accordingly.
Having a Mistress, either in a play situation or in a longer term D/s relationship, requires clear understanding of the poles of power. Power exchange is the core of a fulfilling D/s relationship. Even in play (including pay-for-play), such poles are governed by natural law; by that i mean that if the balance of power is upset then the basis of the relationship is skewed and therefore in danger of being nullified. If the power is neutralized, there is little attraction or energy. But if the power roles are clearly defined, understood, and acted upon then the maximum potential energy is enabled to be drawn upon. In fact, the “stronger” the individuals are in their roles of Dominant and submissive, the greater that potential energy becomes, and the maximum pleasure from the relationship is realized.
Your Mistress is the center of your universe; if She is not then you should find another Mistress. Being an adult you know the concept of respect and need always defer to your Mistress in thought, word, and deed.

DO’s

Think before you speak.
Present a humble attitude when conversing, including proper address, language, tone, and personal space.
Expect to have your relationship terminated if you disrespect your Mistress.

DON’Ts

Never lie, berate, criticize, or in any way disrespect your Mistress.
Don’t even think about touching your Mistress during normal conversation unless you ask first and then are allowed.
At no time raise your voice in anger to your Mistress.
Never interrupt your Mistress while She is speaking.

In Closing

In reading this essay keep in mind the value of your relationship with your Mistress. In my relationship with Miss Ruby i seek to become a better human as a result of being Her submissive man. To that end i offer Her thoughts, words, and deeds on a daily basis to acknowledge that submission. Personally, i find these things natural to do and never a chore; if they are a chore for you i would humbly advise you to consider re-evaluating your desire to be in a D/s relationship with your Mistress. Perhaps you want to become a better submissive yet are challenged by understanding these point; in that case you have much to work on with your Mistress. If you are lucky your Mistress will have the time, patience, and energy to invest in your becoming Her submissive, bringing both She and you greater pleasures from life.
As with any human interaction, the benefits you derive from your relationship with your Mistress are proportional to the energy you put into that relationship.
Best wishes on your journey!

Updates to the site (Plus Pictures!)

As some of you may have noticed, I have added a bunch of new photos to my website and social media! Thanks to the wonderful Chris Blakeley, I have a gorgeous, high drama photo set for you all to perv on.

I have also added and made changes to my duo partners list by adding photos, descriptions and new folks!

As far as my personal life I am currently dealing with tax season (which is more annoying and time consuming than anything but at the end of the day, supporting my fellow humans is important to me) and I have a new relationship with a lovely little lady from Canada who will hopefully be spending the summer with me to apprentice under me and make horrible videos.
rubber ducky, you're the one

Thegirl

nomnom

Let’s be fucking honest here, who doesn’t want to watch me hit that?
Maybe if you’re a good boy I’ll let you clean up afterwards. 😉

A Lucky Boy in Chastity

Here are several more paragraphs from the Lucky Boy about his experiences in chastity, getting a reward, disappointing me and my response to the disappointment. Enjoy!

Miss Ruby took me to her space, tied me and blindfolded me. Now, I had been told not to wear my chastity cage that night so, there I was blindfolded, pants around my legs and my cock hard, dripping and aching for Miss Ruby. I had no idea what would come next and her mastery at being in charge only fueled my sexual desires even more. Miss Ruby invaded my ass, stroked my cock, clamped my nipples and took complete control over my willing body. I wasn’t allowed to cum and she brought me closer and closer to the edge and then back again. I had such a desire to cum but my desire to be good overcame it. Then she gave me permission to and I couldn’t. I wanted to so bad, I was right there on the edge and I tried and tried and Miss Ruby was being so good to me and giving me everything and more than I should have needed to cum but I just wouldn’t. It was like this frustrating combination of all my insecurities and having not cum in almost three weeks and I never came. After we were done and I was left frustrated, feeling like I had been a disappointment, Miss Ruby informed me that I was not allowed to cum and she also gave me some new chastity rules.

Whether or not I had truly been a disappointment that night, only Miss Ruby knows. However, what undeniably was a disappointment was me, the following morning. Not only did I break the chastity rule while shortcutting but, while doing so I also broke the rule of not being allowed to cum. I was so frustrated with having not cum and still so heated with my desires for Miss Ruby that I took from her what was hers, what I had voluntarily given up control of. It was one of the worst orgasms I’ve ever had. It was painful and I felt like such a disappointment during and after. I felt pathetic. I chastised myself and argued with myself all morning between telling Miss Ruby and not telling her. I knew that I had to be honest so I sent her a text telling her what had happened. I waited and waited and since having met her I had the worst day at work. I was close to tears throughout that day. I mean, she had taken such good care of me the night before and I ruined it all with one little selfish action. I just knew that she would be angry and feared she wouldn’t even want to have anything to do with this pathetic submissive who was untrustworthy. She did forgive me but, she was worried and rightfully so. I was relieved that she forgave me and I got to go and see her again that evening.

We spent that evening visiting and discussing what I had done. I couldn’t even look at her unashamedly for the longest time and she could definitely tell. Miss Ruby seems to be able to peer into my soul and see exactly what I need, deserve, what I desire and if not, she certainly knows how to get it out of me. That evening I had the sincere pleasure of staying the night. It felt absolutely amazing sleeping next to her. Miss Ruby’s body not only looks perfect but it also feels perfect. Her soft skin, soothing voice and her touch, oh that touch, are all so amazingly delightful to be curled up next to. I got to lay there with my head on her chest for quite some time, listening to her heartbeat as it lulled me off to sleep. It was the best night’s sleep I’d had in quite some time and even though I only got a few hours I felt rejuvenated. I was the happiest boy at work the following day and people couldn’t figure out what was going on with me. I was goofy and playful and probably the most positive that I’d been in quite some time. Miss Ruby had forgiven me, I did have a punishment coming, but her forgiveness and her desire to still want to see me and not give up on me meant so much to me. I have this fear in relationships that I’m going to be tossed to the side, be given up on, or just suddenly and without warning cut off. It’s happened to me in the past and it frightens me to the point to where I pretty much just expect it. I’ve avoided some potentially meaningful relationships in the past or ended some because of this fear. I hate having that fear but, I have this trust, feeling or, whatever you want to call it that Miss Ruby’s not going to give up. She seems to want me to serve her, to be a good boy for her and I have every intention to do my best for her. 

I got to stay with her the following night as well and spent most of the next day by her side too. We slept in together, she held me, she teased me and, she made me feel safe. I enjoyed every moment with Miss Ruby. We worked on a project together and I got to see a really fun and funny side to her. There was barely a moment where we weren’t either laughing, touching or just simply enjoying each other’s company. All of the kink aside, it’s a real treat to be around someone you can have that kind of a connection with. She makes me feel not only like a good submissive but also like a special person who’s worth her time to be around and who is adding something to her life. I don’t ever want to take away from Miss Ruby. I hope that I can be just as good to her as she’s been to me. 

As for everything else, I’ve offered to take pain for Miss Ruby. I’ve always felt that BDSM was a two way street. There is a reason why Dom’s are Dom’s and sub’s are sub’s. I want to take her pain, I want to be her good boy, her whore, trustworthy boy, friend, submissive – whatever she needs. What I don’t ever want to be and what I will put every effort into; is to never be a disappointment again.

The Ultimate Submissive Relationship

The following is a write up I asked of one of my long distance submissives. This write up is about what his idea of the perfect dominant/submissive looks like and what submission means for him.

I have always thought of submission as the ultimate gift to a Dominant partner. The biggest fear is that the Dominant will not view this gift to be as special as the person giving it. I think it’s very important to be treated well as a sub. If I feel special to a Dominant I will move mountains for them. I also think it is up to the sub to relinquish all control to the Dominant with trust they are making decisions in your best interest whether you agree with them or not. If these two parts are present in a relationship the sky is the limit. In my own situation I finally feel I have someone I trust enough to give my gift of submission to. She makes me want to be a better person, a better husband, and a better father. I love to do everything she ask and more because I know it makes her feel special. The things I would like to do in the future are encourage her to take more and more control. The more she controls me the more I know how much I mean to her. The great thing is she praises me doing things well which is as good as foreplay to my submissive nature. I would like for here to chastise me at some point not because I need it for temptations of other women but as a way to remind me constantly who owns my heart, body, and soul. Also maybe some day we could use spanking as a way to establish a corrective action. Sexually she dominates me already by initiating sex which I totally am into. I think I am very close to where I want to be but the chastity and spanking would be such a great addition to our relationship. Some of my friends say I am pussywhipped and I say YES I am end of conversation. I have no problem admitting that she wears the pants in the relationship. Most men do not understand that it is a privilege to be pussywhipped. This means someone cares enough about you to invest time into your development into a better person. To me dominance means love. Dominance is a tool to shape you what they want you to become. If you trust that person enough they will improve you. I cant explain enough what a gift I have received from Miss Ruby to be able to talk about my desires and how to make them happen. Her guidance and firm hand have paved the way to happiness for me. I hope she realizes how treasured my time with her is. She is the best marriage councilor in the world. I cannot wait to  achieve new levels of submission to my wife with her help. YES I am pussywhipped and love it!

A Lucky Boy

The following is a paragraph from a short story that I asked my new house boy to write after having met me. I enjoyed reading it so much that I thought I would share it with everyone. 🙂

It could be pheromones, it could be that she’s fucking gorgeous, it could be her natural presence of a strong and successful woman who knows what she wants and how to get it or, maybe it’s all of those and more rolled into one irresistible package. What I do know, is the moment Miss Ruby walked into that café I didn’t care one single bit about anyone else seated nearby or around. Usually, I’m always conscious of my surroundings. I scan the people sitting all around me, the people coming and going but fuck them, fuck the waitress, fuck the people walking by on the street, I had Miss Ruby sitting in front of me. She was intoxicating, like in the old movies where the beautiful female singer is strolling down the staircase and singing in some dark and sultry voice, all eyes are on her and everyone wants to be the lucky one. She was dressed sexy, not trashy or underdressed or trying to wear something she wasn’t comfortable in but dressed like she knew what she was doing and was confident about what she was walking around in. She had the most amazing smile which draws you in and makes you want to smile and all encompassed in these beautiful full lips that she has. Lips that make you want to beg for a kiss right then and there even though you know that you don’t deserve that kiss. She was intelligent, knew how to convey her thoughts and actually had thoughts to convey and they all made me think. It’s a real blessing to be with someone who makes you think, even when you don’t want to or about things that you don’t want to. Someone who can stroke your mind is a thousand times more irresistible than someone who can stroke your cock. She had insights into life that made me look at things a different way and had a truly believable caring quality about her. And yes, this was all before we had even ordered food. Miss Ruby was a dominant woman that I wanted to serve. When we did get food, she placed some of hers on a fork and fed it to me, it felt oddly perfect and I took what she offered to me as something sacred, like I was the luckiest boy on the planet to get to have a bite of what was on her plate. I may have been smiling the entire time I first met Miss Ruby.

Who knows, maybe all of you will be lucky enough to read the rest.

Lesbian Femdom Erotica, Part One

When our eyes first met I knew she would be trouble; She was twisted like I am, improper but hiding it just beneath the surface of herself that she presented to the world. When she spoke her words flowed in a tone that oozed confidence and control but much like how she presented herself, there was another side to that. A side which I as determined to explore simply because she was fighting so hard to conceal it.

Our interactions began benignly enough; A little dirty joke here, an accidental touch there but of course our interactions were bound to escalate. Which they did and quite swiftly at that. One evening when we were innocently enjoying each other’s company while working on our own projects I decided to test the waters and see how far she would allow me to push the envelope, our relationship and of course, her.

“Come closer, little girl.” I cooed at her from over the ominous glow of my laptop. She paused for a moment and gave me a look that could only mean that she was both insulted and intrigued by the words with which I chose to address her. Yet she inched up off her seat and walked across the room towards me with the little wiggle in her walk that she often used to garner attention, probably unintentionally. I set my laptop aside and patted the couch next to me “Sit.” I hissed softly while a smile crept across my face. She looked taken aback by my command but obeyed it anyways. “You realize that I give orders not follow them, right?” She said with a scoff. I replied by widening my smile into a devious sneer and reaching out towards her.

“Excuse me.” She exclaimed while grabbing my wrist. “Did you hear me?” I withdrew my hand slowly and answered her question “Of course I did, I chose to ignore your comment and see how you would respond.” Her eyes narrowed with suspicion and I knew that the moments following our exchange would either end very well or very very poorly. I sighed and continued to withdraw my hand until she loosened her grip on me and then I struck. In one swift movement I lunged myself forward and she moved to leap up off the couch, which I had hoped for. As her hips broke contact with the plush material of the couch I caught her neck in the crook of my arm and pulled her back towards me. She responded by lashing at me with her dominant hand which I quickly snatched with my free hand and then pinned it behind her back with my free hand while hooking my legs over her hips and across her thighs. She was trapped but laughing.

At first, she fought me; Trying to rip her hand away from me and pry my fingers off but every time she moved or thought she had gotten some ground back, she only got herself into a less optimal position. That was until I gave her an opening to get up which she did, a little awkwardly as if she was expecting, no, hoping for more. “So…” She began, her cheeks a little flushed “That was new.” I stood up with her and reached for her again, she did not push me back. “Did you like it?” I whispered into her ear. She nodded and backed away from me, towards the nearest wall, I took the cue and pushed her back against it with a bit of force. When she made contact with the wall she let out a little gasp of enjoyment and turned her head to the side and whimpered softly. I grabbed her wrists and pinned them above her head and slid my knee between her legs to brace myself against the wall. “Oh no, not that..” She whimpered softly and unconvincingly as she pulled her head down, exposing her neck. I again, took her cue and wrapped my hand around her neck, giving it a little squeeze. She responded with a soft moan, I applied more pressure.

“Mmm…!” she cooed with her eyes now closed “… Harder… Please…” I obliged, happily and ran a finger across her collar bones and between her breast with my free hand. She squirmed ever so slightly and puffed her chest out at me, begging me to continue. …..

Progression as a Domina

This evening I filmed some new content during a session with one of my favorite submissives. He’s obedient, trusting, always on time, a great conversationalist, respectful yet not timid, he can take what I dish out and I genuinely enjoy his company in and out of session; Our dynamic together is always good and our sessions are always fun. After filming, I started going through what all was on my camera which turned out to be a bunch of sessions I had filmed over the last year or so.

Like most people, over the last year I have grown A LOT and it shows on camera. Everything from how I carry myself to my skill level in session has changed drastically and I would say for the better. Most notably, I have become very skilled at interacting with people and controlling their actions. I have never considered myself to be lacking skill in either of these areas but these days it appears that I effortlessly flow through conversation, banter and play to the point of where it looks utterly effortless. I’m pleased to say that I am quite proud of the way I have been conducting myself, save for a few off days and the confidence shines through which only seems to make me shine brighter.

On a side note, I really should film more; It’s a freaking blast!

The Problem with Dominants

I’ve always been into Primal play: The kind of play where no power exchange dynamic is certain, everything is a battle, the struggle is rough and dirty and sometimes people do actually get hurt. Maybe it’s because I get to be both a sadist and a masochist that I love fighting oh so very much.

Wrestling, grappling, submissions, punching, kicking, slapping, grabbing, pulling, head locks, leg locks, arm bars, pins, choke outs, pressure points, scissors, lift and carries… Oh my!

The process of the battle is just so intoxicating; The rush of anxiety at the beginning, the stress of the battle itself, the glory of winning, the embarrassment of losing and the afterglow courtesy of the endorphins racing through my body as a result of intense physical activity. Nothing else quite captures me the same way as a physical power struggle does because nothing else seems to outline both roles so boldly while at the same time leaving them both up for grabs. The dominant party is only the dominant when they are winning or have won and the next second could be completely different; Dominance must be won or earned. Which quite honestly, is a concept I think more people involved in D/s and power exchange should consider or even be aware of.

In many ways I find traditional power exchange (I am the dominant because we’ve decided this) to be corny and unrealistic. In many situations it isn’t an accurate representation of that person, their skills or even the role they identify with. Sometimes the person in the dominant role is just taking direction from the other person because they didn’t really want to be in the dominant role or maybe the submissive party has refused to give up control unless it’s under this one specific condition.
To give a real world example of a situation where dominance was not correctly placed:

Recently I read a post a man had written about the issues he faced when trying to cut his bottom down from an inverted suspension. It was my understanding that he had three up lines: A gravity boot on each foot and a chest harness. Upon changing the positioning of the gravity boots (from the ends of a spreader bar to the center) a knot had slipped and had tightened down the gravity boot causing the bottom’s foot to be pinched uncomfortably. Understandably, the bottom panicked and asked to be let down. Well, no. She commanded her top to cut her down which is exactly what he attempted to do and exactly what he should not have done.
Why should he have not tried to cut her down? First of all it meant he had to leave his bottom, presumably with one of the up lines not secured. Second, literally cutting someone down from an inversion is effectively dropping them on their head although at that point several people had rushed over to help. Thirdly in the time it took him to cut her down he could have had her safely on the ground and resting if he had just untied her. Especially since he had people there to help who could have taken the weight off her foot, held the up lines, ect.
I am in no way trying to advocate for ignoring your bottom; If something is wrong, you need to address it. However, as the dominant person in the scene it is your responsibility to make the best decisions for your bottom and to have the knowledge and know how to prevent emergency situations from occurring and to also have the knowledge and skill to correctly respond to emergency situations. I don’t believe that this person had the necessary skills needed to respond safely in this situation; Namely, he lacked the confidence and experience that he needed to correctly assess and respond to this situation.
So what should he have done?
Initially, he should attempted to calm his bottom down to avoid the chaos of a heap of people rushing over and trying to help in a panicked manner. Then he should have just called someone over to help support her and take the weight off the foot that was hurting (or even do that himself )  while he untied her and lowered her to the ground. At most, releasing the up lines should have taken 30 seconds or so. Where as the chaotic attempts to hack her out of the rope took several minutes and several different blades.
Over all, it seems to me that no one who responded to this situation was thinking of anything besides the distress of the bottom which can be a dangerous thing when the top’s ability to assess a situation can make the difference between a safe bottom and one with a cracked skull.

Obviously, not all incidents involving traditional power exchange are corny (sometimes they can even be hot) and not all dominants are unable to maintain control in a scene/are faking control  but I have witnessed enough train wrecks in human interactions to notice a general theme; Implied or predetermined D/s or power exchange with no basis for testing and defining limits will end horribly. What exactly does that mean, you ask? Simply that in order to have power or control over a person you must earn it and you must be responsible for the control you take.

But I’m the DOMINANT! That means I make the rules and call the shots!

Sure, you’re making the decisions and that’s kind of a given but why should anyone listen to what you’re saying? What have you honestly done to earn submission from someone? Are you qualified to be in control in this situation? What if it goes horribly wrong? Have you earned your submissive’s trust? If not, why not and why are they willing to submit to you? Most importantly of all, why do you want to be in control and why do you think you deserve it?
My point of all these questions being that you need to check yourself constantly when it comes to power exchange. If the people involved in most of the train wrecks I mentioned earlier had done something to check themselves and their skills in an honest way, the issues could have been prevented.
Whether it be planning for emergencies, testing your submissive’s respect for you with protocol or having an honest chat with someone whose opinion you trust about your skills, earning the right to be dominant is an aspect so often over looked.

So next time when you go to assert your dominance or top a scene, really ask yourself this: Is my submissive’s trust in me well placed?