how to guide

Top 5 Questions Everyone asks a Dominatrix

Seattle Dominatrix Ruby Enraylls in her seattle dungeon with a Slave

Have you ever wondered what your Dominatrix’ favorite bdsm activity is? Or how you can be a better a slave? Perhaps the following can point you in the right direction. Below are my 5 most frequently asked questions and my answers. You might find the questions and their answers a bit surprising. Seattle Dominatrix Ruby Enraylls has the answers to your questions and some tips.

What is your favorite thing to do in a session?

It depends on my connection with the person I’m playing with. Having overlapping interests is important. I’m big on bondage, predicaments and power exchange. I really enjoy mind fucks and getting to be creative. I often tend to get really into a theme for a while. A bit ago it was medical then ADBL, chastity roleplay scenarios, prisoner stuff… it’s always something and my specific interests seem to rotate and shift. I enjoy curating an experience for someone.. The more creative the better. I like longer scenes so I can build up ideas and get to know someone, knowing someone over a longer period of time helps with this as well. Nothing can beat intimate knowledge of the inner workings of someone.

What got you into BDSM and the Femdom lifestyle?

Like many of the people I talk to, I have been kinky for as long as I can remember. If you’ve read my about me, I talk about being kinky when I was pretty young, when it was literally just a game. I don’t see anything wrong with that, although many people I’ve spoken to want to find the reason they are into bdsm. This implies to me that it is something to be fixed when I don’t think that’s true. That’s like saying any preference is inherently wrong. It’s my belief that a homogeneous world is pretty dull, among other things.

But I digress. I’ve always had an interest in Bdsm and the very first adult images I found were femdom related. So it seems normal that I would trend that direction, especially considering that I was raised in a female dominant environment.

Are other people into my fetish?

The shortest answer is yes. I’ve played with many, many people and I can tell you with complete confidence that even if someone hasn’t engaged in your particular fetish, there’s definitely an interest. We live in a kinky world. The biggest barrier to entry is unfortunately, shame.

What do you find attractive in a submissive/slave?

The evil variation of this question is “will you go on a date with me” or worse “can I be your live in slave?” Before asking such questions, consider the one posed above and ask yourself “what do I like most about me?” Personally what I like most about my slaves is that they are considerate, kind and respectful. Every person I notice has a willingness to consider the needs and desires of others and makes an effort to do so. It’s often small things that make the biggest impressions.

Seattle Dominatrix Ruby Enraylls is dressed in black latex with her latex slave in her Seattle BDSM Dungeon where she takes requests for Femdom and mistress sessions

What can I do to have the best session with my Domina?

Communicate! Clearly, honestly and respectfully. Sending a long fantasy and play by play isn’t particularly helpful to be completely honest. Writing out a list of yes’s and no’s, hard and soft limits and any specific things you want to try is a great way to start. I prefer to communicate such things at the beginning of the session unless there is something you think I won’t have or something that will need to be prepped for or negotiated. As we get to know each other more, I find that sometimes planning gets a bit more elaborate and more communication before we meet up is necessary or desired.

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How Do I find a Dominatrix near me?

Seattle Dominatrix Ruby Enraylls wears galaxy print latex dress and fetish boots, meet a dominatrix near you

How do I find a dominatrix?

I am often asked the question “how do I meet a dominatrix?” or “how do I find a dominatrix near me?” Having my location obviously posted, I find these questions a little confusing. Why would someone ask me of all people to help find a Dominatrix near them? I’ve done several YouTube videos, one of which has over 5 million views, so it makes sense to ask me even if I’m just a Seattle Dominatrix.

Why meet a professional Dominatrix anyway?

There are many reasons why you should meet a professional Dominatrix over someone who is purely lifestyle, the number one reason being that we are professionals. Being professional means that:

  • We are highly skilled in the art of BDSM, very accepting and have a lot of experience. As such you are less likely to get hurt and more likely to have a great time.
  • We have awesome dungeons because we’re more invested and our toy collections are very impressive. Why wouldn’t we be the ideal BDSM date?
  • Most importantly.. We are No drama. When the scene ends, we aren’t going to pull a Fatal Attraction on you. We want to keep this arrangement as relaxed and carefree as you do. 

How do I find a dominatrix near me?

Well, that’s why you’re here isn’t it? You have probably taken some missteps along the way, maybe you’ve fallen for a scam. Here is my order of preference to help you meet a dominatrix near you.

  • Use google. Terms like “dominatrix in Seattle”, “local Dominatrix”, “Seattle mistress”, “dominatrix near me” or “seattle dominatrix”. But replace Seattle with your city or state. You will find at least one website.
  • Browse Adult Ads. Sites like Eros or Tryst are great are pretty reputable.
  • Social media alone is Dodgy. Use social media to verify an ad or a website is real. If someone contacts you via social media, they are fake.
  • Do your own research. Research should mean connecting information you find. Make sure an Instagram profile is linked on a website. Check the age of that website on wayback machine to make sure it isn’t a fake of another website. Reverse image search images.
  • Here are some tips. Google the name, number and email you find. What does it pull up? Does it match other information? Is it blank? If it all matches other information, she’s probably legit.

Where do I not find a local Dominatrix?

Catfish love to pretend to be professional mistresses, they frequent the following and will approach you first. Remember, if it seems to go to be true, it probably is.

  • Fetish Dating Sites
  • Social Media (Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Reddit)
  • Dominatrix Dating Sites
  • Messenger Apps (Snapchat, WhatsApp, Discord, Signal, Telegram)
  • Any Dating Site
  • Kink Specific Apps

A scammer will contact you first from these methods. They will message you a lot and it will seem ideal but there will be some red flags like they will have a payment method that goes to a man or will only take BTC. Use reverse Google image search on the photos they send. Always.
Now that we’ve gotten all of that out of the way..

How do I book a BDSM session with a Dominatrix?

Most Dominatrixes have websites. READ THEM. We have specific contact instructions and screening. Follow our rules and you will be rewarded. Typically we will ask you to contact us via our contact forms or email. Text is for those who know us and have established relationships or for last minute instructions. Calling without being given permission or instruction to do so will annoy us. Doing anything outside of our instructions that is more convenient for you than it is for us will annoy us. Think about how you would make a good impression for a first time job interview, you would not expect the other person to jump through hoops for you. Do not expect a Dominatrix to jump through hoops for you either. Approach with respect and be courteous. You do not have to go overboard but simple things like reading do’s and don’t beforehand can go a long way.

How do I make a good impression?

  • follow all her rules
  • Don’t ask too many questions, particularly if they are already answered on her website.
  • Ask questions that are relevant and present yourself honestly.
  • Understand that time is money for everyone. Approaching a Mistress is all about respect. If your initial approach involves many asks, compensating for that shows that you are going the extra mile to be respectful.
  • Use the right method to contact her. Be it a booking form, professional email or otherwise.

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10 Essential BDSM Toys for Beginners


Everyone has to start somewhere, this is a BDSM toy guide for anyone starting a collection. I wanted to share my favorite BDSM toys and gear I think is essential for any kit in an easy format. Whether you are a domestic dominatrix in training, a couple looking to spice things up or a loyal sub with dreams of having the perfect toy kit, this list is for you.

  1. Strap on harness

Every dominatrix needs a good harness that fits well, is comfortable and gets the job done right. For the beginning dominatrix you might think “I will get a kit” but that is a mistake. Strap on kits usually come with a nylon strap harness and dildos that are so-so (usually too big or too small.) It may take a while to figure out what you like best but my favorite is The Jag by Aslan Leathers I like thong harnesses that can be converted and the leather is treated so it’s easy to clean and doesn’t break down over time.

  1. Dildos

It will take a while for anyone who is a beginner dominatrix to figure out what kind of dildos they like but I recommend materials that are body safe over jelly toys or PVC. I think it’s important to make sure it’s easy to clean/cover as well. Tantus has a great selection of toys to choose from that come in a variety of colors and sizes.

  1. Restraints

 Restraints are very personal in their appeal. Maybe you’re a leather fan, or perhaps you enjoy the art of rope bondage. For those who are first exploring bondage, I have enjoyed Hemp Rope by Twisted Monk. It’s more expensive than what you will find at a hardware store but also more versatile. For example, you can use rope to tie a set of handcuffs or a create a cuff that you can attach anywhere. I began with rope and still find its meditative process to be grounding and a great way of building energy and anticipation within the scene.

  1. Impact Toys

Everyone loves the mental image of the dominatrix with the whip, right? It’s classic and unforgettable. However, learning to use a whip takes a lot of practice. I suggest starting with something like a riding crop, paddle or flogger first. I love Cane-iac for their creativity with unusual materials and their superb execution of the classics (like a cane, for example.)

  1. Sensory play Toys

Oooh, sensory play. There are so many different ways you can take this- Pokey toys, soft floggers, electro play… It all depends on the vibe of the scene. Sensory play increases suspense when you use it to build a scene or it can push the experience over the top. You can’t go wrong with a wartenberg wheel, honestly. I like playing the game of keeping myself to oe random toy and seeing how much I can do with it.

  1. Hoods/Blindfolds

Hoods and such aren’t for everyone, some people feel very claustrophobic in them but I think they are a great tool to have in your tool kit. You can surprise someone with sensations or take complete control of them. Personally, I like hoods with the mouth exposed like the Cocksucker Hood by Mr S but in a pinch an eye mask for sleeping is great.

  1. Nipple play 

Surprisingly, many don’t know about the benefits of exploring nipple play- They are an unfortunately overlooked erogenous zone. I like to warm up with plastic clothes pins which are easily cleanable. If you want to leave the realm of sensory exploration, you can make them squirm with a strong set of clover clamps.

  1. Gags  

Are they too noisy? Plug their mouth with a gag to really make them feel helpless! I like ball gags personally but a good dental gag or even a ring gag has a place in my dungeon. I love versatility in all my toys so I find that the options provided by Bondage Webbing to be a perfect fit.

  1. Paddles

How will they know that you mean business unless you can really give them a good, hard spanking? I prefer paddles from Cane-iac. They have a variety of paddles in many different kinds of wood (yes that makes a difference. Let’s say it “hits different.”) More importantly, I’m yet to break one of their products. Save for canes, of course.

  1. A collar 

Lead them around and help them find sub space by locking a collar on. Many subs have told me how a collar has a been emotional impact on them, why not use that power to control them and pull them exactly into the headspace that you want? A formal leather slave collar is wonderful but so is a dog collar. What is your preference? I think quality is very important, so one of my favorite stores is Leather By Danny. You may recognize many of the designs there, now you have found the original source of the creativity.

Image by Tantus

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Proper Protocol with Your BDSM Mistress

Introduction to Communicating with my BDSM Mistress

A BDSM slave’s thoughts on proper protocol

Mistress Ruby gave me the assignment to write to Her some about how to address your BDSM Mistress properly, make requests, share fantasies, and have respectful conversation. Also, i am to include a breakdown of dos’ and don’ts for each topic. She instructed me to have no limit on length, deliver it to Her by the end of the week, and to write it from my standpoint.
A few initial thoughts about the assignment immediately ran through my head. First was gratitude, since this is the first writing assignment my Mistress has given me in a long while. Because i strive to be the perfect submissive, and as my Mistress brought me into the BDSM lifestyle from 30 years of monogamous vanilla hetero relationships, during the first months we were together i processed nearly every encounter we had by writing essays which i shared with Her. Mostly, these were written as if i were writing a letter to her, but in reality they were attempts to hear myself say the things i wanted to say so that i could sort my fantasies from my realities. Frankly, i wouldn’t be surprised if that was somewhat off-putting for Her, but She was very patient with me and when She had comments they came as constructive criticism, encouragement, and appreciation that i took our relationship seriously enough to write my thoughts down.
Second, and i will address this more completely below, i immediately sent back to Her both confirmation that i understood the request as well as a request to get more information about Her expected length, perspective, and due date. While i tend to over communicate, i think my Mistress understands my desire to meet Her expectations and that i often need some specific information to do so.
Finally, i get a great deal of pleasure from my Mistress giving me specific instruction, be it in Her dungeon, around the house, or with other types of requests She makes of me. Within our D/s relationship, admittedly the physical and psychological facets of BDSM were compelling at first, but i have found that pleasing my Mistress in any way possible brings me the greatest joy. It is my mission to try to make Her life not just more comfortable but more fulfilling every day. She is my Goddess and She makes me want to be a better human, seeking self-actualization every moment of my life as a goal.
With that introduction, i MUST now actually get to the assignment!
● blue ●

Addressing my Mistress Properly

As my Mistress’ submissive male i have learned the value of communication, both oral and written. In all of my direct interactions with Her i always use the honorific of “Miss” or “Mistress” when addressing Her directly. By doing so i intend to indicate to not only my respect for Her, but also my submission and deference to Her above all others. When speaking with Her i attempt to not interrupt other activities She may be doing and then wait for acknowledgement to go forward with whatever i need to say. Moreover i take the responsibility of being understood by Her to ensure my comments are not miscommunicated.
You will notice that i capitalize all feminine pronouns referring to my Mistress, as well as using lowercase when referring to myself in writing. This is not a requirement of me by my Mistress, but instead is one of many overt indications of my submissiveness that i adopted early on in my writings to Her.
But i have it easy because my BDSM Mistress is very special in that She makes all of Her expectations of me very clear. Miss Ruby Enraylls is a well-respected Pro-Domme with a broad public and professional presence in the Seattle Kink, BDSM, and professional sex work communities. As part of Her professional self, She maintains marketing ads on several adult services websites. Before ever communicating with Her, i read EVERYTHING i could find. Upon reading Her ads, they funneled me to Her website,, which i read completely (many times in fact) before ever communicating with Her. On Her site She clearly explains in complete detail all aspects of Her professional practice including introductory information, specifics about the services She offers, some personal details, photos and links to videos, a calendar of Her availability, and contact information for booking appointments. What really helped me was Her FAQ and Her “Sessions” page, where She details how to schedule an appointment, what to expect from Her, Do’s and Don’ts, Dungeon Rules, and a note about “When We Meet.”
Having read through Her site several times before actually reaching out to Her, one small sentence jumped out at me from the “What you can expect from me” section of the aforementioned “Sessions” page:
To me respect means that when you address me you call me as “Miss”, “Miss Ruby”, or “Mistress” … and that you’ll respect my limits and not attempt to push our relationship further than i define it.
All of Her writing on Her site is informative and from Her heart, but this simple phrase spoke to my core about how to respect Her as a person, not “just” a service provider or a Mistress. As a submissive male to my core who had never acknowledged my need for female domination in my intimate relationships, this statement made clear to me how to fully respect this amazing woman. While this prescriptive address for a Dominatrix is socially normative even in vanilla culture outside of the Kink/BDSM lifestyle, Her not having taken this detail for granted spoke volumes to me about Her desire to communicate with Her clientele, not simply act out a role. Miss Ruby, while providing “scenes” negotiated with Her clients based upon their fantasies and discussed before each session, does not participate in such scenes within a context of an actress fulfilling a role. Instead, She provides Her clients the very real experience of Her deep sensual Dominant self to fulfill their submissive fantasies. She is a Dominatrix, She doesn’t play one.
Whilst our relationship has matured from our initial professional/client association, “high protocol” as described in many books on BDSM has never been part of our D/s dynamic. Regardless, this simple requirement put forward in Her expectations sets the tone of a conversation on any topic from the submissive. It not only reflects acknowledgement of respect but also overtly enables the beginning of power exchange that is core to the D/s experience.
To this day i do not believe i have ever addressed Miss Ruby any other way, sometimes to a fault. In fact, i find it difficult to refer to Her any other way, even in polite conversation not in Her presence. Just this week in fact i started training myself to “swallow” the “Miss” honorific in daily discussions with others so that i can refer to Her by name. Similarly i find it difficult to use Her public name in social situations with our circle of friends.


Use “Miss” or “Mistress” either alone or preceding Her name whenever addressing Her directly. Other variations allowed with negotiation may include “Goddess”, “Lady”, “Master”, “Madam”, or any other honorific pleases your Mistress.
Apply this rule without exception to the context; whether it be in Her dungeon during play, in Her den before or after sessions, or in public if She has graced you with Her presence. Also it is used whether in spoken or written communication (including texting).
Always speak direct and clearly. Leave no wiggle room if making a request. While quite empathic, that does not mean She knows your thoughts until you voice them.
Ensure that you have Her attention before trying to speak, especially if you are talking to something you expect Her to take to heart.
Be open and honest with both yourself and your Mistress; remember the power of words not just to be understood, but also to represent inner feelings and beliefs.


Never call Her by any other colloquial names (“honey” or “sweetie”… ewwww!).
Don’t challenge boundaries clearly negotiated with your Mistress for your relationship.
On no occasion assume your Mistress knows what you are thinking or feeling. Duh!
Never raise your voice in anger, TYPE IN ALL CAPS, or try to use coded phrases when trying to communicate with Her. Use your words like you were taught in kindergarten, and use them as an adult.
Making Requests of my Mistress
As the first topic suggests, you often will need to ask something of your Mistress that She is not giving or understanding, either around or during play time. So you already know it is imperative that you make such requests with all the respect your Mistress deserves. And if you are asking for something not previously discussed or negotiated you must be prepared to not have your request granted. Without disappointment, regret, or anger. Ever.
Your Mistress can do one of many things with a request, but they all boil down to either granting or denying the request. If granted, be sure to immediately thank your Mistress. If denied, drop it. Simple.
Remember that if your Mistress is an exceptional one, as you should always strive to find, She will be ten steps ahead of you in your D/s relationships. Dommes that i have met tend to play the “long game” which may have many things granted in the short term and others, while on the menu, are kept at an arm’s length from Her submissive, and still others hard boundaries that are non-negotiable. As an aspiring submissive, you simply must accept Her lead. It’s all about Her anyway, remember?
But that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for something outside of your current D/s relationship boundaries or expectations. You just have to accept the reality that it may not get granted.
You also have to think about what impact your request may have on the current state of your relationship. To my earlier point, if a request is denied yet you continue to raise it, know that this may be considered a harassment to which your Mistress may use to terminate your relationship. It’s not an all-or-nothing point, but depending on the request it could be. Again; at best your request will be granted, at worst, it will be denied. Short and sweet.


Always respect the boundaries previously negotiated with your Mistress.
Respectfully present requests that potentially push boundaries in a low-stress environment where it can be both objectively evaluated and discussed.
If your request is a “show-stopper” for you, write it down, along with your feelings on the request, how you think it will benefit your Mistress by granting it to you, and how you think it will impact your relationship if your request is denied. Then put it under your pillow and sleep on it, literally. Then tear it up and write it again. Rinse, reapply, repeat. Do this for ten days then see if it is still important enough to re-negotiate.


Don’t be a dick.
Repeatedly asking for the same thing previously denied by your Mistress is a recipe for dissolving your relationship with Her.
Insisting your Mistress partake in sexual activity outside of negotiated boundaries in the middle of a fully-involved scene that is requiring Her full attention is a recipe for destruction as well as disaster.
Never make a request an ultimatum if you are not willing to deal with the consequences of your action.

Sharing Fantasies with my Mistress

Part and parcel of a D/s relationship with a Mistress is fulfilling frequently deeply closeted, mostly kinky as fuck, often disturbing to most of society fantasies. Even “common” BDSM activities are by definition only imagined by our vanilla brethren. EVERYONE has sexual fantasies at some point in their life if not for all of their life. And your Mistress has heard them all, and likely has heard many you have not. But, putting your deepest fantasies on paper or into a conversation with your Mistress is not something done in most people’s everyday life.
Your Mistress will ask you what your fantasies are and when given that opportunity you must not be shy. If by for some unbelievable happening She doesn’t, then tell Her you want to have the discussion. Accepting and embracing your desires is part of the honest communication i spoke of earlier. And everything should be on the table for negotiation, and negotiation is an integral part of safe, sane, and consensual activity.
Some may have a checklist of fantastic kinks they want to experience or may only be curious about. Some may write erotic fiction describing scenes that they see themselves in with their Mistress. Others may only feel comfortable talking about fantasies face to face. Whatever the delivery mechanism, being able to most fully describe it is part of the open and honest conversation you have regularly with your Domme.
Some of the ways i have tried (other than the checklist and erotic fiction), include things such as i put in the DO’s list below.


Sharing images or clips of scenes you find in adult media (porn!) with your commentary can be an effective way to speak that which you cannot find words for.
Jot down short vignettes as they occur, such as upon waking or during those boring work meetings. Then you can either shoot off in email or present to your Miss the next time you see Her
Watch porn with Her and try to be objective and clinical about it; crack jokes about it to make it normal.


Don’t send Her dick pics unless She has asked you to first.
Never pout when you ask for one thing and get it when you actually wanted something else.
At no time press your Mistress to do anything outside of Her negotiated boundaries. She may push yours, but you pushing Hers is not part of the dynamic.

Having Respectful Conversations with my Mistress

Now that the basic protocols for addressing your Mistress and proper ways to present requests and fantasies to Her have been discussed, the atmosphere and behavior during the resultant conversations also have their own protocol. Many of these items are common sense or typical social conventions, but the must be followed in order to show the utmost respect and resultant consideration from your Mistress. While you may be a sexual deviant, you should not deviate from these points!
To back up, what is “respect” and how does one provide it? It’s easy enough to look up the definition &/or synonyms, and even query the Internet for other’s opinions. The words that stick out to me include esteem, high regard, admiration, deference, and reverence. Some of the ways to commonly show respect are listed below:
Actively Listen: when someone speaks to you give them your full attention
Honor your Word: if you say you will do something then do it; if it can’t be done then communicate it
Be on Time: or, better, be 15 minutes early; show that you value other’s time as much or more than your own
Think of situations in your life where you must interact and communicate with another person who is not your peer. When you were a school child, it could be your teacher or principal. If in the military it would be your Drill Sargent or Company Commander. At work it would be your boss’s boss or, better, the CEO of the company. Or better yet, think of being at the White House and meeting the President of the United States, arguably the most powerful person in the world. Now, thinking of these situations, ask yourself some rhetorical questions:
Do you address them by their given name or and address them as “Sir” or “Madam”?
Would you blurt out questions or wait until a proper time in the conversation arose?
Would you touch them as you spoke or would you stay a socially acceptable distance apart?
Do you use your “indoor voice” when emphasizing a point or do you raise your voice to make your passion on the topic understood?
Are any points you may raise laced with profanity or are you more clear in expressing your thoughts?
Unless you are truly out of touch with reality, when these questions arise you think twice before you act, especially when speaking. And thus you remind yourself of your understood position of power in the relationship and then act accordingly.
Having a Mistress, either in a play situation or in a longer term D/s relationship, requires clear understanding of the poles of power. Power exchange is the core of a fulfilling D/s relationship. Even in play (including pay-for-play), such poles are governed by natural law; by that i mean that if the balance of power is upset then the basis of the relationship is skewed and therefore in danger of being nullified. If the power is neutralized, there is little attraction or energy. But if the power roles are clearly defined, understood, and acted upon then the maximum potential energy is enabled to be drawn upon. In fact, the “stronger” the individuals are in their roles of Dominant and submissive, the greater that potential energy becomes, and the maximum pleasure from the relationship is realized.
Your Mistress is the center of your universe; if She is not then you should find another Mistress. Being an adult you know the concept of respect and need always defer to your Mistress in thought, word, and deed.


Think before you speak.
Present a humble attitude when conversing, including proper address, language, tone, and personal space.
Expect to have your relationship terminated if you disrespect your Mistress.


Never lie, berate, criticize, or in any way disrespect your Mistress.
Don’t even think about touching your Mistress during normal conversation unless you ask first and then are allowed.
At no time raise your voice in anger to your Mistress.
Never interrupt your BDSM Mistress while She is speaking.

In Closing

In reading this essay keep in mind the value of your relationship with your Mistress. In my relationship with Miss Ruby i seek to become a better human as a result of being Her submissive man. To that end i offer Her thoughts, words, and deeds on a daily basis to acknowledge that submission. Personally, i find these things natural to do and never a chore; if they are a chore for you i would humbly advise you to consider re-evaluating your desire to be in a D/s relationship with your Mistress. Perhaps you want to become a better submissive yet are challenged by understanding these point; in that case you have much to work on with your Mistress. If you are lucky your Mistress will have the time, patience, and energy to invest in your becoming Her submissive, bringing both She and you greater pleasures from life.
As with any human interaction, the benefits you derive from your relationship with your Mistress are proportional to the energy you put into that relationship.
Best wishes on your journey!

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