People are hardwired for struggle. We’re designed for conflict and for the pursuit of triumph. Because of this, a Utopia is impossible. Why is that? Simple: There will always be people who choose to take advantage of the situation and who manipulate the world around them.
I often forget how selfish people can be, myself included. I seem to always find myself in situations where when I break, someone around me has something to gain from pushing me. Pushing me is easy when I’m falling apart. I don’t fight back, I don’t complain, I just check out and try to appease the person who is in contact with my body. It sucks, I hate it but it’s automatic and it’s why I keep people at arm’s length when I’m upset. All too often have people taken from me the little bit of emotional shelter I had left, always in my time of need.
What’s worse is that when this happens, I seem to take the fault for not being present. Just once, I want someone to say to me “I’m sorry. I acted selfishly and I took advantage of you. I understand if you hate me and that’s totally understandable but if there’s anything I can do to help fix what I broke, I would really like to help. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking about what you needed or wanted at all.” But no, it’s always cold and I can’t share the pain they’ve caused me. I can’t scream at them how badly they damaged me and how they took a horrible incident and made it a million times worse. I can’t cry in their arms and tell them how dirty I feel and how it doesn’t seem to wash off. All in an instant, I lost comfort, a friend, control of my body and feeling secure at all.
It’s amazing how one bad decision can reshape your entire image of someone.
It’s incredible how fast life slips through my fingers and flies by my face.
To me, loss feels like being homesick… Until you forget what home was like.